Lullabyes for an Insomniac

So.... I did like 9000 words in the first few days and have been at a complete stop the past few days. I have tried to write, but I am just making up gibberish. I am hoping the weekend will kick start it again.  In the meantime, I applied and was accepted to write for BellaOnline. I am excited about it and am looking forward to honing my research and writing skills. I will be writing for the cosmetics section of the site. My first two articles have to be posted this week so I will be doing a lot of writing this weekend.

I am working on a few projects for art42, most notably some Christmas ornaments. I have to go get a couple of more things at Hobby Lobby then I can get them finished and in the mail. It feels good to be a little creative. I have been sewing on a few projects for Yule gifts too.

My big project this weekend is to strip the dining room chairs. They are all mismatched and the wood and paint finishes are not the best. I am thinking about painting them each a different color, but I am toying with painting 1/2 white and 1/2 black.  Multi-color would probably work better with my tablecloths and dishes, but it's something I have never done before and it scares me.

Okay, coffee is done and YoYo is stirring.....

Sometimes I wonder what is worse.... Saying nothing and wishing you had or saying something and wishing you hadn't. It's a no win, either way.

I can't keep doing this.

I can't keep living like this.

I can't keep pretending that everything is okay when actually, it's far from it.

 My doctor gave me quite a speech about biological depression versus situational depression. I understand situational depression. Biological depression sounds like my body just letting me down and is a little hard to swallow.  I was prescribed an anti depressent for my CFS, but he is going to increase the dosage. Bleah.

An assessment of depression from Psych Central. Interesting.

( Are you depressed? )

I found this link just fascinating.
psychcentral.com/news/2009/06/12/biological-link-to-obesity-and-depression/6483.html

Damn car.
Worth 2500
Needs 3500 worth of repairs to get it running

Challenges, challenges, challenges

Insomnia has been really rough lately. I am averaging 2 hours a night. My CPAP is having to be replaced, which doesn't help. I knew I had to be up at 2:30 this morning to take Richard to work, but woke up at midnight. I am still wide awake, but I know I am going to be ready to doze off about the time I need to start getting ready for work.  I tried the counting sheep ploy, but the sheep started to look and act bizarre, so I decided to get up. I made some Boo bags to take to work, so was a productive night.  It's hard to get excited about the productivity... I would rather have slept. 

There is some horrible TV in the middle of the night. Commercials for everything you never imagined and really bad sitcom reruns. I got to thinking about people in hospitals and nursing homes that can't sleep. People that are dealing with life issues and are lonely. People with terminally ill children. People with no friends. I read somewhere that the unhappier people are, the more TV they watch. People who can't sleep at night are probably unhappy. And the crap that is on TV is enough to make someone suicidal. I have the option to get crafty, play on the internet or read... but what about all those people who don't have the same resources I do? What do they DO all night? Watch this crap and cry? Or worse, pick up the phone to order things, simply to have some human contact? It's depressing. And wrong. Why are insomniacs targeted with bad TV and awful commercials for kitchen gadgets and cheap costume jewelry?

My stitches are itching too. I am fricken tired of wearing the damn bandana to work. I gave a speech yesterday in Toastmasters looking like a hippie. Not an image I normally project. Of course, the department manager was at the meeting..... As I gave the speech, I had an almost overwhelming urge to scratch my head. It made me mess up my speech quite a bit because it was such a distraction. Itchy, itchy, itchy!  My speech was actually an interpretive reading. I read "The Price" by Neil Gaiman, which was appropriate for the time of year. I am glad to get it over with.

Richard and I decided for various reasons (mainly because he has to be at work at 4am on Sunday) to stay at home on Saturday, rather than going to The Mark, as planned. While I normally prefer to stay at home, I was really looking forward to dressing up, seeing the others' costumes, and listening to the band. Oh well. This means I wasted close to $20 on tulle, rose petals, leaves, and feathers for my fairy costume. I will have to find another use for the stuff.  We decided to go out to dinner and maybe watch a movie.  We'll probably load up YoYo and head over to Shelby Bottoms early in the day and take a long walk.  We wanted to have fun this weekend, as next weekend is earmarked for cleaning and organizing the storage unit.

Okay. Going to try to lie down for 45 minutes. Probably a bad idea, but I REALLY want some sleep.

I have been busy, busy, busy. I have kept my dreamwidth account pretty updated, but that is a private journal. I was too lazy to put the rated G parts on LJ. I have made a vow to start this journal back.

Quick recap since move in July:

Home-
-Settled in and Richard and I feel like we've lived together forever
-The apartment is working out, except for the jackass upstairs that plays his music too loud and paces all the time
-Richard asked me to marry him, although not formally. Just discussed it. We agreed to table it until the first of the year.
                                (I love Richard, but am not in love with him. Rocky still flits at the edge of my brain)
-I have not only failed to blog, but crafting fell by the wayside. I dragged my sewing machine out last week and started a project!
                                (Thank you, Julia Cameron and Claudine Hellmuth, for inspiration)
-I have been taking advantage of living in Nashville and have been going to festivals, museums, and boutique stores to my heart's content. I have a membership to the zoo and have gone several times. Pictures below under the cut.
-YoYo and Jenny are coexisting peacefully, a shocker
-YoYo slipped out of his collar one day last week and was hit by a car. He is okay, but I went through a really bad 48 hours
-I spent a weekend in Baptist Hospital because of chest pains. Not a heart attack. Panic was the diagnosis. (sigh)
-I had a cyst removed from my scalp this week. I was traumatized because when I raised my head from the pillow, blood was soaked into the pillow.
-I was diagnosed with CFS.
-Several deaths in family and among friends led to a slight depression but I am dealing with it
-I cut myself off from the pettiness on swap-bot and quit swapping there
-I also quit swapping anywhere, but want to start back soon
-I met a really cool couple here in Nashville, all artsy fartsy. It was nice to meet people that like the same stuff I do
-I applied to be a writer for a website. Haven't heard back yet, but even if rejected, was good to stretch my writing muscles to apply
-Started studying for Microsoft Certification
-Have watched more movies in the past few months than in my entire life before now

Kids:
John-working toward GED, as his boss will help him get into Art Institute of Atlanta Culinary School. Has a lovely girlfriend that appears to be more sane than his last few choices. We went to see him in August and had a great time
Nicki-same-o, same-o. She has been dealing with some health issues but is reasonably okay
Nathan-is working for TDOT and discussing going to NADC in the spring


Work:
I am grateful to have a job
I am grateful to have a job
I am grateful to have a job
Maybe if I say it enough, I can make myself accept the soulless and thankless job I have


Spirituality:
What can I say? I have sadly neglected that part of me. I need to work on this.
( Nashville Zoo at Grassmere )

I moved!

I am in Nashville, minutes from the airport. It cuts 15-20 minutes off my commute, which is wonderful. The move has left me so broke I can't even pay attention, but that is okay. I love being this close to so many of my favorite places. My apartment is no great shakes, but I can't really complain. I am on an upper floor and I have a lovely view of Murfreesboro Rd, the Krystal sign, a sports bar, and the planes taking off. I was able to keep YoYo, which REALLY made me happy. NOT so happy that I have to find Ruby a home. I feel like I am letting her down.

Most importantly,  the move puts me 15 minutes from Richard. This is extremely important to both of us. After a month, the relationship has really gotten intense and we are quite enraptured with one another.... a surprise to both of us. I have not journaled about Richard here, all the entries have been in my private journal, as what I feel about him is just too new and precious to share right now, even with the few people left that read my sporadic entries.

After the Rocky debacle, I was very wary of letting my feelings loose, but this has been nothing but positive. There are no doubts in my mind about Richard... it's like we have known each other forever and we have just very quickly and naturally fallen into each others'  lives like we belong to each other.  It seems right to be together and we bring out the best in each other, I believe. We are building a splendid structure together, one that I hope lasts for a very long time.

It snowed last night!!!!!!
I woke up to a beautiful sight. So surprising... I knew it might snow, but when snow is forecast around here, it usually means a dusting but there's a few inches this morning, so everything is covered. So pretty. The dogs didn't care for it.


I met Mike P at Fridays yesterday evening-for a drink. It turned into a 6 hour dinner date. Very unexpected, as I have never thought of him as more than a fun acquaintance. I had a lovely time, great conversation, lots of laughs. We found that we both love cereal for supper and have had some similar experiences. He has asked if I would go out on a date with him and I said yes.  He is interesting and an undemanding companion. However, he is a Yankees fan. That's bad....

It's good timing, as far as starting to date again, as Nickie found an apartment and will be moving in 2 weeks!
YAY! I love having her around, but I have missed my alone time.

Right after I got home, David called me. Out of the blue. He is staying at Mother's for the weekend. He has been in Florida the last year and evidently has held a job all that time. Amazing. I gave him a huge big sister lecture about staying in touch, then we had a  nice conversation. I hope that he might be growing up finally. Grace is not a part of his life, which probably helps. I was extremely happy to learn that he has had his teeth taken care of finally and has dentures. I HATE having a brother that looked like a down and out drug addict. Which he is, but that isn't the point.

I am really irritated/hurt/upset, as the swaps that I sent out last week have all been received (thank you delivery confirmation) but only one person has had the courtesy to acknowledge receipt (the spring equinox doll). It just bothers me that I spend so much time and thought, not to mention money.... and I make sure that I acknowledge within a day or two when someone sends me something, even if I don't care for it.  It is another reason to drop out of all swapping.  Honestly, why bother?

I think I may drop full_moon_swaps  too. It is just not feeling like a community to me and I think 7 moderators for a community that is so quiet is  just not necessary. I am most definitely expendable.  And I just don't like the way it is heading.  So it might be best to just remove myself. I am going to give it serious thought over the next week. It is just a chore, at this point.

I have already dropped any outstanding swaps on swap-bot that haven't had partners assigned. I am waiting on  quite a few things that should be sent already or sent in the next few weeks, so I can't delete my profile. Will have to wait on that.

I think I am looking more for a community that has the energy that Nervousness used to have. I may not be able to find it, but I want to look for it. Or create one.  I thought FMS would have that energy, but it just doesn't.

Tomorrow is the systems switch at work and I am dreading and looking forward to it at the same time. I was fortunate enough to be assigned production by my supervisor, so I will have an advantage of having time to learn the new system before having to work from the phones with it. Supervisor is a good guy! 

Today has been designated Clean-the-house-it-is-messy, messy, messy-after-being-ill-for-a-month Day, so I need to get moving.

Yoyo reappeared, healthy and unharmed, thankfully. I am not going to dwell on that. Suffice to say, it was bad while he was missing.

Friday, someone sent me flowers at work. Pink tulips, my favorite. No card, no name, no florist logo, just a mystery. They are beautiful, although slightly limp after the weekend. It has made me nuts, as I am not a fan of mysteries like that. I would like to thank whomever sent them! They made the day a lot brighter, for sure.



I have been procrastinating a little on packing up some swap-bot things. I have had them all ready to go for weeks, just haven't felt like packing them. I am almost done packing tonight (love insomnia). I think once I mark "sent" on the swaps I have, I will stop for a bit. I joined some expensive swaps lately and as much as I enjoy putting together things for other people, it is getting to be too much, as I am not receiving an equivalent in return. I started out with quite a stash of things, so I was just clearing clutter, but I have had to purchase things recently, so time to stop.

Unfortunately, I failed to save the scans of the tip-in pages for the Wheel of the Year Tip-ins-both February and March for morrigane .

( Read more... )

( Read more... )

( Read more... )

Those are the last of the big swaps I plan on doing for awhile. I have a Spring Swap for Nervousness, but I can make most fo the things for that one and it should be fairly easy. I have a few outstanding tags , but nothing more than gathering things up that I already have or can make very quickly. I am just burned out and have been quite disappointed (and flaked on) a few times recently, so before it becomes a chore, I would rather just stop.


I am slowly but surely recovering and every day is a little better. I hope I can get well enough to start packing, as I am very serious about moving back closer to Murfreesboro. There are more and more issues becoming apparent with the house and I need to get out before my life becomes even more of a misery. All this, just when I finally start to meet some local people. Figures. I hate moving... I own too many things. I will be freecycling a lot of possessions when I move. I just don't need them. They are encumbrances.

Speaking of local people, have met some lovely people that I have wanted to meet for quite some time and got my entry to The Mark, which is a wonderful thing. It gets me back out with people I have things in common with, which is nice. I have a dinner date with one of the men that I used to see at the old club, so it is something to look forward to. I still miss Bill, but I am never getting him back, so it is time to look forward. I am not looking for a relationship, but occasional dates would be nice.




















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( Full Moon Swap-Light in the Darkness )

For some reason, I am having tons of problems posting to LJ lately. My first sentence up there was not supposed to be under the cut, but it will not let me edit it.


I finished a plushie for one of Nicki's friends. It is  cthulhu, a nasty H.P. Lovecraft creature:

( cthulhu )


I also finished a Spring Goddess doll, almost exactly like one I finished two years ago, for a swap-bot swap. I haven't even been assigned my partner yet, but I have her ready to go. I will post pics of her later. I am working on some tip in pages for morrigane . Too funny, I was finishing her page for a series of swaps we are doing on swap-bot and when March's partners were assigned, I am sending to her again!

I am feeling a lot better today. I got up in the middle of the night to drive Nicki to Nashville, as she is going to South Carolina this weekend to see a friend. After that, I came back home and slept. Stayed out of work again, as I need the rest. I do plan on going to work tomorrow if I continue to feel better. I have been invited to The Mark this weekend for a Valentine party and and thinking about going. I don't know, I probably should stay home and rest some more. But it is tempting. It's a $15 door charge and it's nice to have someone else pay that.... normally I fend for myself at the door. We'll see how I feel.

I have made the decision to let my house go. It was a tough decision, but I honestly don't know how I will manage after Nicki moves out... it will put me $300-$400 over budget EVERY month. Disaster. I don't expect to make anything off the sale of the house, but hopefully I will break even.  My heart is hurting over it, but it has to be done. I can't take on a second job while my health is in such a precarious state. It would be counter-productive.

I am just so damn tired. And tired of being tired.

It's been a week and I never posted about this. Shame on me.

Last Saturday afternoon, I finally got to meet Barbara and Randall, something we have planned several times and wasn't able to do because of various reasons. I was determined that nothing was going to stop me from going this time.

We met at Outback and I was all gussied up in my new black blouse and jeans and my favorite strappy silver heels. The first thing that happened when we were seated was that a tray of iced tea was dumped in my lap.

Of course.

First time I meet someone and I have to sit during dinner feeling like I wet my pants. Ugh. I am so glad it wasn't a first date or meeting with someone I was romantically interested in. That would have been so terrible and embarrassing......

I had a really fantastic time despite the tea incident and we plan to hang out again sometime soon. They are a fun couple and it was nice to have adult conversation about some common interests.

Went to the sleep study doctor today and have a follow-up sleep lab on the 18th. I am dreading it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. She pretty much echoed what the ENT told me in November.  She also offered the solution of a CPAP, rather than breaking my jaw to realign the jawline, which was definitely a wonderful thing.
( bitching under here.... )


This has been a terribly long week at work and I am SO glad it is over. I plan to clean and work on crafty things this weekend.

I will be one of seven moderators for full_moon_swaps , something I am very excited about. The announcement will be made in the next day or so, then I will announce the February theme. I have been really discouraged about that community, thinking I found it just as it was gasping its last breath. I hope we can keep it going and stay true to songtoisis 's vision, while implementing new ideas and plans.










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The past couple of weeks have been busy and up and down, as always.

Biggest news is that John was here for 4 whole days! We had a good time, although we mainly stayed at home. Katie came over Saturday and we played with the Wii and then she and Nicki made soap while John and Nathan played games.  I hated to see John leave on Sunday, but he has made a definite commitment to return to TN in April, when his lease is up.

Have had car issues and plumbing issues in past couple of weeks, but I refuse to dwell on them.

Doug sent me a sewing machine and I have started a number of small goddess dolls that I will complete in the next couple of weeks for PIFs and swaps. I am looking for vintage bra patterns, now that I have a decent machine. I can hardly wait to get crafting.  He also sent me a camera, which is a lot of fun. I haven't had much chance to play with it yet, but am looking forward to being able to take clearer pics! Such sweet and thoughtful gifts. But that is Doug. That Christmas tree he sent was a big hit with the kids. :)

Bon & J are fighting.... depressing.

I passed my courses, although since that last paper I handed in was so bad, I dropped from an A to a C. I am not ashamed of it... A C is respectable after being out of school for 25 years, but it irritates me that I let a work project take precedence over school. This also means I am only reimbursed 50% for tuition, which sucks.Won't happen again. I dropped out of all committee and projects at work. I just want to go in and work... then go home.  I still need to finish those last two speeches in Toastmasters. I put them off in November, but have asked if I can do a speak-a-thon to get both out of the way before I schedule those damn surgeries. We'll see.

Was doing some research for an elemental altar today:

Air-
East (duh)

Projective energy, intelligence, creativity, communication, imagination, ideas, dreams, wishes, psychic powers, travel

Symbols: wind, breezes, clouds, feathers, smoke, herbs, incense

Goddesses: Aradia, Arinrhod, Urainia
Gods: Enlil(another raping god, for crying out loud)
Spirits: zephyrs (I love that word), fairies, tree spirits

Colors: yellow, white

Stones: topaz, pumice, rainbow stones, crystals, amethyst, alexandrite

Metals: tin and copper

Animals: eagle, spider, raven


I think from this, I can come up with a great altar to put by my crafting area......

I thought I was going to make it through December with no major problems. I have a doctor appointment this morning and the engine light is on......2 weeks after it is paid off, the engine light goes on. It's like the car KNOWS!

This is the 3rd time I have had to reschedule this appointment and I need to get it out of the way before surgery, as it is the sleep study. Making me NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, because I bought Christmas gifts for the kids ( I knew better than to spend money....) I have zero left to fix the car. I will have to return everything and it is aggravating me to the extreme.


Waiting for Nathan to show up to take a look.

After several years with no Christmas whatsoever for a lot of reasons, Doug shamed me into putting up a tree and having a present or two for each kid. He sent me a tree! Crazy, silly man.
 

He also sent stockings for each of us. So sweet. And so unexpected. He always surprises me. In the interest of promoting Christmas spirit, he also sent me a stack of  Christmas CDs.... instrumentals mainly, as I have mentioned how much I dislike most Christmas CDs.  There is a soft jazz one that is fabulous.

John will be here Wednesday evening. I am so excited and I know he is too.

This is from my annual birthday walk through Opryland Hotel on 11/29.  Steve S. very kindly took pics while we were there and sent them to me.

Hard to see, but this is one of my favorite spots in Opryland Hotel. This is in the conservatory, viewing the pond from a bench. Behind the bench is a gazebo.





From the upper walkway, one of the gazebos.


And the trees, my very favoritest part of the Hotel. I wish they would nix the nativity scene, as I think it ruins the magic of  the trees, but oh well.

This was for a N'ness swap... first dotee doll I have ever made and I thought it turned out cute. It is a Valentine dotee!



This was a Winter Swap... here is the rest:



The whimsy jar is winter themed, there is a little handmade journal for New Year's resolutions, a spice mat, a cookbook that reminds me of Mima, and a chocolate sleigh, also a first attempt at something new.

Today started out rough..... the coffee maker died. It was ugly. Just ugly.
Was peeing rain and sleet on the way to work and as always, people were being jerks. It took me from 6:15 to 8:00 to get to work, because of fender benders. Sheesh.

Was kinda a rough day at work, but it's over so I will move on.

I bought a coffee percolator instead of the drip type. I think coffee is better.... and it takes less counter space!

When I got home had two GREAT packages in the mail.... gwensmom sent me a box of fabulous fabric, which I was expecting, but also sent some marvelous yarns, which has me giddy with excitement.  There is some super soft fuzzy green yarn that will be perfect hair for a Baba Yaga doll I have been thinking about starting at some point.

AND!! my PIF from gypsytemptress arrived, smelling yummy when I opened the mail box. There was quite a collection of BPal scents, which my daughter is trying to steal (I offered to share) , samples of moisturizers, tea.... just all sorts of tiny treasures. What a day brightener!

There was also a belated birthday card from Bill's precious mother, that made me bawl like a baby, I miss him (and her) so much.

www.newsday.com/news/local/nassau/ny-limart1129,0,167903.story

And there are those that wonder why I prefer to not be around people for the most part...............

Reminds of the cracked rib I suffered because of dumb ass bitches trampling people for beanie babies when I worked at Cracker Barrel. Wtf.

The sad thing is, I have serious doubts that any of the people that trampled this poor man to death are suffering any remorse... they wanted their damn foreign made crap and by golly, they probably got it.

Even sadder.... this did not surprise me.
Jaded, just jaded..... I really need affirmation that the majority of the human race is not turning into this.

Phone calls between midnight and the wee hours of the morning that start out, "I'm okay" are never good. Never. Last night, Nicki went to see Iron and Wine at the Ryman and on the way back, a big truck decided to come into her lane... he bumped the rear of her car, sending her across 3 more lanes of traffic.... and kept going, thank you very much.  Luckily, the damage to both my daughter and her car was minimal, although Nicki is hurting all over today and her poor car looks abused too.  I really don't know how she did it, but she managed to get the trailer number for the police. What a horrible way to end an evening she has been looking forward to for so long. I am so glad she is okay, just achey and shakey. I hope the police managed to stop the truck. Pisses me off that he kept going. No, even more, it infuriates me.

Needless to say, after that phone call, sleep was murdered.

Groggy this morning.

After Nature gifted us with sunshine and a mild cool yesterday, going out into the typical gray wet November is just a let down.

Bleah. Time to get ready for work.

Last night,  AMC played "Rocky". I had forgotten how much I love that movie. Stayed up past my bedtime to watch it from beginning to end. Nicki laughed at me....I have seen that movie several times and KNOW how it ends, yet I still got all tense during the fight. Silly me. Unfortunately, couldn't sleep afterwards, because all I could think about was Bill. :(


Vacay ends today and I don't want to go back to work. I am miffed at my fellow project group members,  as only one sent me a write up to include in our document. I am not writing the whole damn thing. If the other two don't step up, then the document won't have their names on it.  Geez.... gave up my vacation time for a project I don't believe in anyway....... and had to type with this wrist brace... grumble, grumble, grumble.

I am really dreading going back to work. It's always harder after a few days off... all the follow up to do that came up while out, getting back into the groove of talking to  crazy, hateful, stupid people all day..... I can feel the headache coming on already.

And I am  alittle depressed about John not being able to make the trip. I have looked forward to this for months. So has he.

This is one of those mornings that the coffee turned out perfect. :) Delicious.

Steve S sent another passive aggressive IM yesterday. Not sure what he thinks he is trying to prove. No time for his nonsense. It's ridiculous that a 50 year old man plays the same head games that 13 year old girls do. Pbbbbtttttt.......
I am always puzzled why he professes to want honesty (not that I think he is very honest himself), communication, etc, but lapses into long, hurt, sullen silences, interspered with random IMs to bring himself to my attention again when he gets exactly what he professed he wanted: honesty and communication. Stupid.  Just stupid. How's that for honesty?  IT"S STUPID! and frickin' childish. Grow up, pick up the damn phone and talk through it like an adult,  then let it go, for pete's sake.
Here is more honesty... I hold all men to Bill's standard. I don't expect to luck out and find Bill again, but by damn, I expect at least the basics. I would rather be alone than settle, ever again.  And Steve.... well.... not even slightly close to being in that league. I was hoping we could be friends, but I don't even want to be friends with someone that high maintenance. I don't have time to pander to someone's insecurities, too many of  my own to tend to. My insecurities are more important, after all! :p

Talked to Mike W yesterday and was transported back to 1999-2000.... I miss New England terribly. He reminded me of c.com... hopped over there and updated my profile.

Found this fascinating.... just mesmerizing....and creepy....

freestateproject.org/

I have been looking forward to this weekend for quite awhile. I had 3 things planned.... and am not going to be able to do any of them, it appears. Disappointing, but that's nothing new.

Since my plans are all shot, I decided to work on scraping the floors some more.

Finally got my textbooks, which was exciting. I am such a dork........

Yesterday, due to people being on vacation, and emergency tests in B'ham and J'ville, we had back to back phone calls all day.... took 95 calls. Ugh. And the bulk of them were just ugly. And at least a third could have been avoided if they would just give us our production time back. It's a vicious circle.  High volume of calls keeps us from working production so payments and bills sit in the queues , then we get more calls asking of something was received/worked, which keeps us from working, which results in more phone calls. I have 500 un- worked items in my intray. We only see 500 at a time, so there is no telling how many have actually been assigned to me.

We service 45,000 accounts at our office. Divide by 200 reps. HA!

I am job shadowing in yet another department next Friday. Sounds incredibly boring, but that would mean less stress and the pay is quite a bit higher. That compensates for boredom. That and no phone calls. NO PHONE CALLS.  Definitely better than what I do now.

Need to work on my next two speeches and am just not motivated. 

Since my fun plans are shot.... I may head to Lynchburg today and tour the distillery again and putter around the shops. It's a good day for the distillery... a little foggy and not so hot.  Then back home to scrape floors.

.......and a little pissed off, actually.

Someone that dropped out of sight and never replied to two very lengthy snail mail missives I sent to her, pouring my heart out....... has sent me a link.... to a blog  entry about self-destructive behaviors.  The only intro to the link is that she thought it was interesting. What the hell..... why am I on her distribution list? I read the post very carefully for some clue as to why she thought I would be interested.  And I am really flipping confused. And pissed off, as aforementioned.

How dare someone that has not said a word to me all year, and hasn't had the common courtesy to respond to queries about how she is doing...  how dare she send me something like that?

Is she saying I have self destructive behaviors? Well, hells bells, I KNOW I do. And I don't need this particular individual to point this out.  If she knew anything at all about me, she would know that. Evidently, she is (as always) so wrapped up in herself that she hasn't looked around to see other people are going on with their lives quite well, with no input from her shallow mind.

I lost all respect for this person months and months ago, when I came to the realization that her LJ was just a place to get attention and money from people she has never met..... a place for her to put on a "poor me" show.  She no longer has that journal and I have no idea if she still blogs anywhere. It has been constant dramas ever since I have come across her. Well, I have my own dramas. I don't feel compelled to keep up with hers and I don't particularly want her sending me links to "interesting blog entries".

Who the hell cares?
The more I think about it, the more irritated I get.
No word for months.
No response to my letters asking about her and giving her my good news about my new house.
 (side note: when she got a house, she posted a wish list and got a hefty amount of house warming gifts from total strangers that felt sorry for her because she had "been through so much") When I wrote to her with my good news, it was because I was so damn excited, I needed to share with someone that something good finally happened in my life. As I have mentioned before, I don't really have any friends. I wasn't looking for anything more than a letter or postcard telling me congratulations. That's it. I got total silence. It kinda hurt my feelings. 

This might be why I don't have any friends. Every time I reach out to someone, I get ignored.  So I don't bother very often. It's too much aggravation and hurt.

I guess I am  a little bitter.

I'll get over it... I am going to respond to the email and ask her what the hell was going through her head?
There is enough bitch in me to do that.

Update 07/30: I emailed and asked why I was sent that.... her response:

Maybe not loser, but damned flaky lately. I wrote down TUESDAY the 28th as being the date to pay Electric/Water bill or would be sent a nasty cutoff notice. Well.... MONDAY was the 28th. I had to leave earlier from work than planned so I could take care of that. Pissed me off that I wrote down the wrong day and was fixated on the day, not date.

Doctor appointments yesterday..... BP still too high. Started the new med he prescribed last week. Will be starting the new diet after payday. I don't have any $$ for special food right now.... so will continue to live on cereal and couscous the rest of the week.  No biggie.

Was hopeful about the other situation.  That doctor is always fairly noncommittal, but he did say that he didn't see any more spots. Playing the waiting game with the lab now. Not dwelling on it. I think my BP is closer to killing me right now than cancer. I could be completely wrong, but if I am , will deal with it at the proper time.

Got my first hits on my N'ness LMAO. Too exciting!

So.....  a week after I discontinued my subscription to Match.com, I get an email saying someone has sent me a message, which of course, I can't access, because I cancelled my subscription. My question.... since I disabled my profile before I ever left the site,  how would anyone send me a message? Methinks Match.com is trying to get more money out of me. Seems a little havey-cavey..... At least E-Harmony was upfront about not being to match me to anyone. Immediately. "You are unmatchable" . So hilarious.

I finally was able to talk to SS.... after several years of trying to get all that business cleared up. I feel better now. As always, the big problem was a huge hug HUGE miscommunication/misunderstanding.  This time, not all my fault...... definitely two-sided, that. The positive thing... maybe we can talk as adults now and be friends again. We used to have good times.

Ruby messed in the house again while I was at work  yesterday.... it is really making me crazy and I don't know what to do. I can't afford a crate. What's worse is I know it bothers Yoyo. She is messing in HIS house.

Was reading "Dancing with the Goddess Incarnate" this morning. About the silliest, fluffiest book ever. I am listing it on Amazon. I don't want it on my bookshelf.

I still have a credit on paperbackswap.com  but just not finding anything I want. It would be nice to get a new book to read, however, so maybe I will look again.  I am running out and the Shelbyville library is not exactly the most well stocked of libraries.  I was excited to find a used bookstore, just off the square. Unfortunately, it was chock full of Harlequin romances and westerns, of all things. Slim pickings on contemporary and classic fiction.

I am in the mood to go antiquing, but I know that will have to wait. I am going to go to Nashville on the 3rd for a luncheon and plan to make a day of it, health permitting. I want to go into Green Hills and stroll the aisles of Whole Foods and head over to Jake's place to look for a  travel coffee cup with the Cup o' Joe to Go logo on it. I love that t'shirt.... want a mug also. I will probably take advantage of being on the West End and go to Borders, Magical Journey, and all those nifty vintage clothing stores on Louise St. I am so looking forward to this and I hope nothing happens so that I can't go.  I could use a day of window shopping ... and I am really looking forward to the luncheon and meeting some cool people. I only know 2 people and there is supposed to be 10-12.

I am still craving the Hermit   tattoo. John is supposed to head up here the last week of October, but I am thinking of going down there to pick him up so I can get that done. I don't know any local tattoo artists that I trust that much and it's such a detailed picture... I want it done right.

Listening to the Beatles this morning. A Beatles sort of day........

I just hope and pray that I am alert enough to NOT be placed in all remedial classes. Math, yes. English type subjects, no. I did a pretest online and there were no surprises, so I am just hoping my meds and being allowed caffeine again has put my brain back on track. I am nervous about the test, but not overly so.  I got the okay from management for tuition reimbursement, which was a huge thrill. I am looking forward to the actual registration process. It will be the start of realizing a dream I have had since I was 16 and had to drop out of school.

I am more stressed about having to reschedule that damn speech. I HATE public speaking and I will be so damn glad when this program is over and I get my CC and CL in Toastmasters. Then I can be DONE. And once those are done, I have no plans to go any further with it. Next Saturday is make up training for officers that I missed the other week because of the BP. I am no happier about giving up a Saturday than I was back then. I almost want to say screw it and wait until the winter training. I hate to waste a summer Saturday in meetings all day. And according to those that did go.... a total waste of time. Of course. But Denise is going to this one and I don't mind riding with her! (That damn silver lining I am always looking for!) And I have no idea where the winter training will be.

This weekend, a couple of people from my past came under my radar again. One was a really cool thing..... the end result being that I am going to (very gingerly and cautiously) dip my toe back into meeting some new people and seeing some old friends, from NLA and ALS-Nashville. Not looking for relationships, just getting to know some people again.   The other person, will let's just say there is mixed feelings..... unfinished business. I hope the reconnection will be something positive for both of us.

I did absolutely NOTHING yesterday. What a great Sunday. Nicki left in the afternoon to meet some friends, so it was just me and the dogs. Of course.... I wanted to do some work on the house and I am not supposed to until after I go to the doctor (again) and get the okay.  I keep staring at the damn floors and wanting to do something about them. They make the whole house look shabby.  And the house is just generally not as clean as I like.... Nicki does not clean to my standard and merely pushing the dustmop around to get Ruby's hair off the floor wears me out. It pisses me off to be this weak. But I am digressing. I enjoyed the quiet time. I worked on a project for N'ness that is coming along very nicely.... and sat outside and watched the koi and the dogs. Nothing productive. Peaceful.

I turned off the light at 11:30... been tossing and turning for the last hour and it's only 4:00. I am exhausted and really sleepy.  I can't get comfortable. Cheap mattress? Noise from A/c cutting on and off? Dogs moving around? Stress and worries? The meds? Whatever the cause, it is is truly becoming unbearable.

I keep thinking about the mid to late 90s when I had insomnia so bad I would stay up for days at a time. I think that traumatized me so much that even one night with not enough  sleep makes me paranoid. Those were bad bad bad years.........

I have been trying to think of some good things that have happened to me in the past couple of years and aside from outwardly doing better financial wise, learning to be independent, having my own home, and so on.... the biggest changes are inward: growth, acceptance, forgiveness, and self-awareness.

Some of the books on my shelves that have nurtured my spirit and/or inspired me:

Non-Fiction:
A Journal of Gratitude.........................Sarah Ban Breathnach
The Artist's Way...................................Julia Cameron
Succulent Wild Women.....................SARK
Celtic Women's Spirituality...............Edain McCoy
A Gift From the Sea............................Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Finding Your Own North Star...........Martha Beck
Simple Abundance............................Sarah Ban Breathnach
The Spiral Dance...............................StarHawk
Eternal Echoes...................................John  O'Donohoe
Good Poems.......................................Garrison Keillor (compiled by)
Walden..................................................Henry David Thoreau
In Beauty May she Walk, Hiking the Appalachian Trail at 60............Leslie Mass



Fiction:
Under the Tuscan Sun.....................Frances Mayes
A Room With a View..........................E.M. Forster
Coming Home...................................Rosamunde Pilcher
September..........................................Rosamunde Pilcher
Alice in Wonderland..........................Lewis Carroll
Ladder of Years.................................Anne Tyler
Lake News.........................................Barbara Delinsky
Griffin and Sabine series................Nick Bantock
Country of the Pointed Firs.............Sarah Orne Jewett


Magazines:
Victoria
Sage Woman
Readers Digest
Mary Jane's Farm
Circle




A short list, but these are the ones that popped into my head as I was lying there tossing and turning.  As I get older, I am more open to absorbing the experiences of others and learning from them, based on my internal reactions to those experiences. At the same time, I am becoming more selfish and more internalized.

Mostly, I think it's a good thing, but there are times when I feel like I am turning into someone very cold and aloof, which may explain why I have no friends. I try to think that it's just time for me to learn about myself and that after I come to terms with self, I will be more open again to friendships and it will be all new friendships, not the destructive past relationships I have had. I hope so, anyway. The rest of my life with no friends....doesn't sound very appealing.  At the same time, it is slightly appealing, as it means no effort on my part. Laziness? Selfishness? Am I turning into my mother, whom I despise? That doesn't bear thinking about.

There are so many questions and not many answers.

I am drawn to the Hermit tarot card...... maybe because I am looking for that illumination. The Hermit is holding out a lantern to guide others, but at the same time he is holding back, detached.  A metaphor for where I am at? Or where I need to be? More questions, more self examination.

The sun is up.....