Lullabyes for an Insomniac

( Full Moon Swap-Light in the Darkness )

For some reason, I am having tons of problems posting to LJ lately. My first sentence up there was not supposed to be under the cut, but it will not let me edit it.


I finished a plushie for one of Nicki's friends. It is  cthulhu, a nasty H.P. Lovecraft creature:

( cthulhu )


I also finished a Spring Goddess doll, almost exactly like one I finished two years ago, for a swap-bot swap. I haven't even been assigned my partner yet, but I have her ready to go. I will post pics of her later. I am working on some tip in pages for morrigane . Too funny, I was finishing her page for a series of swaps we are doing on swap-bot and when March's partners were assigned, I am sending to her again!

I am feeling a lot better today. I got up in the middle of the night to drive Nicki to Nashville, as she is going to South Carolina this weekend to see a friend. After that, I came back home and slept. Stayed out of work again, as I need the rest. I do plan on going to work tomorrow if I continue to feel better. I have been invited to The Mark this weekend for a Valentine party and and thinking about going. I don't know, I probably should stay home and rest some more. But it is tempting. It's a $15 door charge and it's nice to have someone else pay that.... normally I fend for myself at the door. We'll see how I feel.

I have made the decision to let my house go. It was a tough decision, but I honestly don't know how I will manage after Nicki moves out... it will put me $300-$400 over budget EVERY month. Disaster. I don't expect to make anything off the sale of the house, but hopefully I will break even.  My heart is hurting over it, but it has to be done. I can't take on a second job while my health is in such a precarious state. It would be counter-productive.

I am just so damn tired. And tired of being tired.

It has been quite a while since I could update. Between health issues and LJ not allowing me to update (GGRRR), I just have been pretty quiet.  Putting a lot of this under cuts, so as not to clutter up people's FLists.

( Boring health stuff )

It has been bitterly cold quite a bit in the past few weeks and neither Nicki or I can bear to go into the kitchen because it is so cold, so the kitchen is messy and we have been wasting money on take-out. The messiness is making me nuts, but honestly, I can't stand to go in there. It was 42 degrees in there the other morning. Today, the temp is supposed to be in the 70's!  If the kitchen warms up, I may venture in there to tidy and wash the sink full of glasses. Tennessee weather......

I have been really busy with full_moon_swaps  and swap-bot... not to mention school. This semester is kicking my butt.

I received a lovely pocket goddess from gypsytemptress  via swap-bot. I think it is hilarious to be paired up on another site with the same people from LJ. I don't have a pic of the goddess she sent yet, but as soon as I post my pics of my updated water altar, I will show it off. It is cross stitched, a lovely blue goddess.

Swap-bot has paired me with morrigane several times, right on the heels of our FMS swap in October. Too funny.
( My funny Valentine )


I wrote another lovely paper about frugal shopping and debated starting another journal just for that type of thing, as after the first paper I wrote in the fall, which I recycled into a Toastmasters speech, I made a zine, which was so well received, I ended up printing again two more times. I gave out 23 of them, which isn't bad. After the 2nd paper, which I again recycled into a speech, I made another zine, which I haven't distributed yet.  Need some $$ before printing. Anyway, at work, I am considered somewhat fo an expert and since times are so hard, I have been invited to speak to other groups and distribute the zine. I thought a blog dealing with the issue of frugal living would be nice, but there are already SO many, I just don't want to repeat things. Need to think on it some more.

( Dumpster diving )
More later, going back to bed....still so tired.....

It's been a week and I never posted about this. Shame on me.

Last Saturday afternoon, I finally got to meet Barbara and Randall, something we have planned several times and wasn't able to do because of various reasons. I was determined that nothing was going to stop me from going this time.

We met at Outback and I was all gussied up in my new black blouse and jeans and my favorite strappy silver heels. The first thing that happened when we were seated was that a tray of iced tea was dumped in my lap.

Of course.

First time I meet someone and I have to sit during dinner feeling like I wet my pants. Ugh. I am so glad it wasn't a first date or meeting with someone I was romantically interested in. That would have been so terrible and embarrassing......

I had a really fantastic time despite the tea incident and we plan to hang out again sometime soon. They are a fun couple and it was nice to have adult conversation about some common interests.

Went to the sleep study doctor today and have a follow-up sleep lab on the 18th. I am dreading it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. She pretty much echoed what the ENT told me in November.  She also offered the solution of a CPAP, rather than breaking my jaw to realign the jawline, which was definitely a wonderful thing.
( bitching under here.... )


This has been a terribly long week at work and I am SO glad it is over. I plan to clean and work on crafty things this weekend.

I will be one of seven moderators for full_moon_swaps , something I am very excited about. The announcement will be made in the next day or so, then I will announce the February theme. I have been really discouraged about that community, thinking I found it just as it was gasping its last breath. I hope we can keep it going and stay true to songtoisis 's vision, while implementing new ideas and plans.










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It's over! Finished! Finally!

Presentation was as grim as I feared. The person responsible for clicking the Power Point wasn't listening to me and failed to click through as I was speaking. After I finished, as I was walking away, I saw the screen clicking through to my last quote, then he asked if I was going to say the quote.... I already DID! Geez. Was unorganized and did not flow. And I was in so much pain, I couldn't remember what I was supposed to say... I used no notes, however... was able to wing it and it flowed, I thought. The one that was on vacation all last week read her entire speeh.... which was the cut and paste job from MY writing.
I am SO DAMN GLAD I AM FINISHED. I earned that damn certificate that is hung on my "meaningless pieces of paper" wall.

And my neck is better today, thankfully. Still incredibly stiff, but I do have some movement.

My "Seasons of the Witch" planner came in the mail yesterday and I was so excited. I have wanted  one of those for a few years. I was afraid it would be full of references to witch-school, of which I do not approve, but as I was perusing it, I only saw it mentioned once, at the beginning- in the intro. It is a beautiful planner and I am sure I will derive much enjoyment in the use of it  after the first of the year.
Thank you Amazon, for making it affordable!

Today is presentation day. And I managed to twist my neck yesterday somehow, so I am in a great deal of pain. Dreading this so much and will be so glad when it's over. Our  group is nowhere near prepared.

I hope my neck is better later, tomorrow, SOON, as I need to finish some sewing and beadwork and it's no fun to try to do that when every movement hurts.  

November, November, November... o how you make me miserable.

Brrr.... cold this morning. I am trying very hard to be conservative with the heat, but since it really isn't all that cold yet, I am a little concerned about January/February. If I keep the heater on low, it is still a little too chilly in the living room. The kitchen, dining room, and utility room are already too cold for comfort, since I blocked them off from heat. No fun to go in the kitchen to make coffee in the mornings. I have to bundle up like I am in the Arctic Circle. Poor Nicki... with her circulation problems, her fingers are blue in the evenings. I try to look at it as a "toughening up" process. There was no heat in the Treehouse and I lived there okay. But then again, I didn't have full blown arthritis then, either.

I have a couple of PIFs to finish up and get in the mail. I am trying to complete everything by end of November so I can relax and not worry about anything else. I am having fun with some ATCs right now and have a couple of teeny-tiny art dolls that I am really loving. My raggy lady has been put away for the time being, until I can finish these other things. Since the crafting table is in the utility room, I am going to have to put a heater in there. I tried to sit in there long enough to just paint a box top and I couldn't stand it. COLD!

I am so tired.

Happy birthday, David.... wherever you are.

Yesterday was just looooong. It took me over 2 hours to get to the neurologist appointment. Another surgery recommended. It can wait, as far as I am concerned.

I dread going back to work today.

It's cold.

I am out of creamer.

Okay... so today is a list of complaints.

When I got back from doctor, I went straight to bed. I was so exhausted.

No other news. I guess that's a good thing.

Friday! Finally! I don't know why, but it has been an incredibly long week. Next week, I go back to my  normal shift, so maybe I won't feel so off-kilter.

I am 75% finished with that damn report. So close.... so close. It WILL be complete by lunch time today, and sent off to the printers. Geez.  Meeting with the 2 members of the group that didn't go on vacation the week before a major presentation. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Less than a week, and it will be over. It's like a countdown.  And a total waste of time and my nerves.

I am off Monday, as I have a neurologist appointment Monday. Honestly, I expect to be referred to yet another doctor, as that seems to be the trend. It is at St. Thomas at 8:20, so should be a stressful morning. However.... I wanted to go to some places on the West End and rather than doing it this weekend, I will treat myself after the doctor visit. The Parthenon is closed on Mondays, unfortunately, but I can find something else to do.

I am groggy this morning. Ruby got loose again yesterday evening and Nicki and I spent 2 hours looking for her. Nothing. We finally had to give up and had decided to put up flyers in the morning. She showed up at the door around 1:30 AM, smelling like a sewer. Ugh. So Nicki bathed her at 1:30 in the morning... in the tub... and it is 6 hours later, and the smell is still in there. Nicki cleaned the bathroom, then took a shower.... not sure WHY the smell is lingering.  Anyway, I have to fix that spot in the fence, because I can't handle that kind of stuff. Every time I heard a car horn or sqeally tires (it was foggy), my heart jumped. Stupid dog.

And the insomnia kicks in..... have been tossing and turning all night.

Worked on project all day yesterday and had a huge headache by the end of the day. Still have only received a write-up from other member of group, which is making me a little pissy. I'll be glad when this is over.

I am extremely tired... I need sleep!

No, haven't lost my mind...... Pagan New Year.
I enjoyed my Samhain ritual very much. Details are confined to paper journal.




National Blog Post Month



nablopomo.ning.com/

I am not up for NaNoWriMO, but I think I can challenge myself to post here every day for a month. I have done very well in writing in my paper journal every day, but I tend to put the synopsis here. Maybe I need to theme the online journal. Nah... probably too much effort would have to be expended.



Saw the doctor again and slowly.... oh ever so slowly... we are getting a picture of all that is wrong with me and putting together a plan.
Still do not have thyroid test results, which worries me. The specialist did not forward those results to my doctor, for some reason.

For sure, will have to have the tonsils removed (I feel like a little kid) and my jaw realigned. Ouch. This can wait until after the first of the year, thankfully.

Trying to deal with the multiple bulging discs with pain relievers, anti-inflammatories, and rest. This is causing SOME of the tingly, numbness in hand and face, as it's my upper back that is screwed up, rather than the lumbar area, which is more common..... the other reason is I most definitely have CTS.... dealing with it on same meds as for back + wrist brace, for the moment. These are not huge concerns, I am  just glad to have symptoms explained. Still have the nerologist to see, yet... although I think I will put that off to after the first of the year also. 

My burned hand seems to be healing nicely and I think I will only have one bad scar, about the size of a quarter.  Maybe not even that.  The skin is peeling off of the area that wasn't burned as badly and it is just gross. The 2nd degree burn area is still swollen and hurts, but the doctor was amazed it looks as well as it does, as I didn't go to the doctor when it happened. Ice, aloe, and neosporin!


Sleep study in December.

GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For the very first time in over a  year, my blood pressure was in the normal range!  I guess my uber expensive prescription is worth it.


Went to the football game last night and walked Nathan across the field with all the seniors. It was fun, although I nearly froze.
It was kinda sad, though. That will be the last time I have an excuse to watch the marching band.

Spending the rest of the weekend working on my research papers, both for work and school. Not enthused about either topic, so have been procrastinating and staring at the screen a lot. Bleah.

Am I asking too much to have a few months with no doctor visits?

Saw the ENT today. Good news is that the cyst/polyp, whatever that was on the MRI is in the tissue, not my sinuses, so it can stay there.
Bad news is that it is infected and that is probably what is causing the burning on my face.

Further bad news... my tonsils are swollen and evidently my tongue is blocking my airways... has referred me to a sleep clinic and a dentist for the probable sleep apnea I have and to correct my jaw line.  He also commented on how bad my esophagus looks.... been bitching about heartburn for two years now to my doctors......he is checking my thyroid too, as it is swollen. GREAT!!!!!

Whatever. I put it most of it off until after the first of the year. Thyroid and esophagus, now  yes. Tonsils, and the neurologist for my numb fingers can wait.

I scalded my hand Monday evening, when I was trying to drain some liquid out of my slow cooker. (7 bean soup!) I thought it wasn't  bad, but it has blistered and still hurts a lot. Skin is coming off and it is RAW.
Disgusting.  While I was at the ENT, he gave me a painkiller and a cream to put on it.

Blood pressure was slightly high, but not dangerously so, and that was a relief. At least that seems to be starting to level off at closer to "normal" levels.

I am just tired of this. I just want to be healthy.

Whining over.

It has been a rough past couple of weeks, interspersed with moments of peace and quiet joy.

Rough:

• 3 more doctor visits, 2 MRIs and 1 more doctor visit to go this month.
• right arm is still tingly/numb, but neurologist appointment not until mid-November
• face is still burning, but it may be related to the cyst in my sinuses-ENT appt next week
• bills piling up and I had to stop putting $$ into my 401K and savings + pull all the savings out. It scares me.
• it suddenly hurts my upper back left side  to take a deep breath, although it is easing up some today
• Mild case of bronchitis
• Upped BP meds... out of samples so filled the script-it is NOT on the $4 list...
• it was 106.72 for one month  so I will not be able to take this one. It's a shame, as it is working. BP is lower.
• Ruby has started messing in house again.
• Desperately need some car maintenance but don't have any $$
• Last essay (Spay & Neuter---Cause and Effect in Community) was horrible. Hasn't been graded yet... just wasn't insprired, although I think it is important
• Mid-Terms
• Mower and weedeater not working
• Bathroom drain is slow... have used drain-o, but no affect ---plumbers are damned expensive
• Koi pond ready to be winterized and I am just not strong enough
• Insomnia has reared its ugly head and I am exhausted
• Nicki is being really lazy and not helping with stuff around the house unless I force the issue.
•  
• CREDIT program project is stressing my group... no idea where we are going with it.
• Was assigned to the phone team. I HATE being in phones. No break.  Have to be nice all day.
• Toastmasters has taken over all my lunch breaks, as I don't have time to deal with it during the day
• Banquet is finally over! Whoo.
• Missed last meeting and my back-up didn't go, so no attendance records taken. More emails.......
• Yesterday, had to hang up on an agent because of his yelling and cursing. Always rough....
• Was not selected for other department applied to. Good interview, but they want a degree.-why, I don't know, as the work is black/white--a checklist. what I do is far harder and much more technical knowledge is required, as well decision making. Oh well.... their loss.
• Someone I really dislike was assigned to my team
• Tried to finish following up on Autumn swap. One of my swap partners never sent... huge disappointment, as only one participant fulfilled all the requirements of the LMAO. Finally gave up and closed the LMAO.
• Early onset of SAD... or maybe just the exhaustion is leading to a depression. I have gone 2 years with no anti-depressants and trying to make it a third, but it is a struggle.

Quiet Joy:

• It's Autumn and the weather has been amazing
• Was able to sit outside and bask in the moonlight on Monday
• Nathan's picture on the front page of the band site-there is such happiness in his face
• Marge brought me a 5 lb bag of DD coffee beans! (okay, that's LOUD joy)
• Was very happy with what I sent to my partner for Honoring Your Ancestors swap, was fun to put together and I wish I had taken pictures. I was really pleased with the wrapping too
• Almost finished decluttering clothes and stuff I have hauled around for past 3 moves
• Garage organized
• Marge's daughter sent me a sequined Halloween picture-children's artwork is the best!
• Nicki bought two pumpkins for the front porch. I wasn't going to spend the money and was a little sad about it.
• Read "The Age of Innocence" again
• A neighbor who picked pears in the side yard brought me pear preserves as a thank you. Yum......
• Had a real date with someone very nice. Nothing there, but we had a pleasant  time and plan to go out again... maybe a long bike ride this weekend.  Great conversationalist, he is. And open minded and tolerant, which is important. 
• New penpal! Denmark
• Completely finished two journals.
• Started a new journal
• possibility of meeting a very cool couple I have been chatting with for awhile on 25th, which would be awesome.
• looking forward to John's arrival at end of month and my vacation

There is a lot more, but my mind is blank. Nothing horrible going on, but no overwhelming good stuff either.
Time to get ready for work.

I finally finished my essay on a topic I am "expert" in. Since the only thing I really know about is being poor and having to make-do, I was a little stumped. I managed to give it a positive spin! I was actually hard to stay close to the 500 word limit and I did go over by 37 words.  My rough draft had almost 900 words, so serious trimming went on.

       

( Saving Grocery Dollars essay )


I am glad to get this one over with.
I have had a productive weekend. Not only did I finish my essay (which will be recycled into a Toastmasters speech), I revamped the bathroom.... I painted, put new linoleum down and put up one of those over the toilet shelf thingies. I also bought a shower curtain liner that has mesh pockets, so Nicki and I both have space to put our things. And I pulled out the hideous light fixture that was over the vanity and installed one more in keeping with the house and my taste. I wish I had money for towels and things now, as they are looking distinctly shabby now.  I will have to live with the shabbiness, but at least the big things are done in there. I also caulked the tub and am waiting for it to cure so I can soak in the tub and enjoy the newness of everything.

The paint color is "Silver Pebble" from Kilz. The linoleum is "Terra Stone" from Cryntel EuroStone. Just peel & stick, but better than the ripped up lino from the 70's that was in there and definitely a million times better than the carpet (in the bathroom UGH!) that was in there when I moved in.
The new bathroom is very organic and natural looking, which I love. The walls are "beachy" looking so I moved my jars of shells and beach glass in there.
Paint:(It looks a little more blue than this)

Floor:




I am tired and other than light housework, plan on lying on the couch the rest of the day.
For the past couple of days, my face has felt all tingly and burning, like a sunburn. It is pretty painful so Nicki looked it up. It could be a sign of a lot of things, most worrisome being a lead in  to stroke. However, I am going to choose to believe it is an allergic reaction to something. I promised that if it still hurt by end of today, would go to E.R. or at least call my doctor.  I don't have any other symptoms, other than my normal headache, I feel okay.......When she said that it may be a stroke, my first thought was oh no! I just caulked my tub and I can't shower! I can't got the E.R. looking like this! My next thought was, I don't have time to have a stroke. I need to finish this. Both thoughts aggravated Nicki terribly. :)

It would be terribly funny if I remodeled my bathroom while in the midst of having a light stroke.  It makes me laugh....

 

 

Another busy week, another interminable week. I am so glad it is Friday. I'm worn out and need rest, although I have so much stuff to do around the house, I don't know how much rest there will be. But that's okay. Housework and things are things I enjoy, so a kind of rest.
At least it isn't WORK work.

There is a pet fair at the Ag Center this weekend and I'd like to go, but I am terrified that I will bring home an armload of kittens or puppies! The Tennessee Donkey Association is having a booth and I'd like to go talk to them, if nothing else. Once I move  out of this house, I am insisting on a house in the country, so I can have an animal or two. Or three.....Conversely, I miss the city too....

Monday, I ended up not making a stew. Nicki and I had grilled mushrooms and couscous for dinner. The homemade bread ended up being a breakfast bread, so we started out the day with that. The simmering apple cider made the house smell so divine in the evening .  I lit candles and just sat under the oak tree and thought about all I have to be thankful for. It was peaceful and I felt a lot less stressed afterward. Not a formal ritual, but just a day of thanksgiving.

I gave another speech Tuesday. It went okay, but after I was finished, I realized that My title made no sense, as I left out the part that tied into the title. My evaluator called me out on it too. I hate  talking in front of a group.

Made up the excel sheet for the banquet invitations, tallied the yeses so far and sent out the printed invitations to the supervisors of people who indicated they were attending. I am estimating 90 people. I hope my guess is right, or the people responsible for ordering the food will be pissed at me! I am almost glad we have a C.R.E.D.I.T. meeting that day, which prevents me from attending. I hate that I am missing free food, but I think it will be more stressful than enjoyable.

Many many many phone calls this week. Quite a few from Louisiana, requesting Rule 24 Mercy, which is always stressful.  I was able to say yes to almost all of them, thankfully. I hate saying no to people that are already having huge issues, but the rule is very specific. Everytime I (or anyone else) gets a rule 24 call, it requires logging out of the phones afterward to go take a walk, go vent, or just go to the breakroom for a few minutes to regain composure. I have volunteered for the next CAT call center, but I may have to change my mind. I don't know if I can do it without having a stroke.

I am participating the a NIOSH mouse study for the next year and received the software this week. They measured everything at my desk and all over me too.  I am almost hoping I get placed into the control group, as I like my mouse! But then again, there may be something better for me that won't strain my hand so much. My hands are so large that the smaller mouse is awkward.

Doctor is still trying to figure out why BP is not any lower,. Have been on meds for a few months now. Was 189/99 yesterday, which is lower than it has been, but it should be normal by now. It's WORK! I hate it. It's an instant headache as soon as I pull into the parking lot. Not to mention the financial strain.

The weather has been absolutely stunningly gorgeous this week. Crisp, cool mornings and warm afternoons. I love sitting outside with my coffee in the mornings. I am missing the Treehouse more and more, as this is perfect weather for that house. I am trying to be satisfied with what I have... I have a lot to be grateful for. But I do miss that.

Time to get ready for work.

Had mock interview Monday... went well.
Had actual interview Wednesday.... went well, but I have heaps of competition. Not getting hopes up, as there are other opportunities.

The last biopsy went well, so no radiation needed again. Glad to have that off my mind.

My BP was in the normal-high range today, for the first time since last year. Ironically, even though the meds are helping, they had to be changed yet again, as it was causing me to cough, cough, and cough some more. Not pleasant.

The fairly normal BP reading this afternoon was a total surprise, as it was a slightly stressful day:

Today was the development group and I needed to be dressed up more than normal, etc.....

Ruby and Yoyo got out of the fence this morning at 5:30am, so I had to chase them (in pajamas) all the way to the horse show grounds. I caught Yoyo, but Ruby kept darting away, the little hussy. I had to traipse back to the house with Yoyo, then go back with the car. I couldn't find her when I went back, which upset me terribly.  I was getting ready to post flyers and such, when she appeared at the front door.  I was really terrified that she would wander into one of the yards with a pit bull tied up...... I love pit bulls, but let's face it. They are territorial and if she wandered into their territory, she would deserve to be attacked. And she is so damn stupid........

And all this meant I had no time to dry my hair or put make up on, so I went to the meeting with fly-away hair, no make-up, and the wrong shoes. It was a panel from other departments to determine where we all wanted to job shadow, so I really wanted to look nice.
Aggravation and stress.

Assholes galore on the roads this morning.

After the meeting, was notified all the calls from the Florida office would be routed to us, as they were closing the building. Makes sense, but it just meant that we are even further behind than we were, as we answered their calls yesterday also. Call volume was obscene.

I have spent $60 on gas since Thursday and when I left to go to doctor, was on empty again.  I don't know that I'll be able to afford to go to work next week. Geez.

All this, and BP was fairly normal. Somewhat of a miracle. Something to be thankful for.
I hope the new meds do well. At this point, I have 5 months worth of BP medication I cannot use.

On a brighter note:
Cut out two of the things for a swap, made some paperclay thingies, and managed to clean out the crafting area so I can work. Also took apart and cleaned the sewing machine so I am ready to go!

I have been feeling very inspired lately to work on an art doll AND a little shrine. Waiting for the final details to be clear in my head, but I have the box prepped and ready to go and started sorting through my fabric.

And over time is offered again this weekend. Woo hoo! Definitely can use the $$

It's feast or famine. Either I am sleeping all the time or none of the time. It's enough to make a person want to rip someone's face off. I am terribly frustrated. Am I asking too much to just sleep 5-6 hours at night with no interruptions?

I am glad the work week is winding down. This week is seemingly interminable.

Lately, the world has seemed such an especially grim and scary place. At work, the break room TVs are tunes to the news and I have had to leave a few times, in order to not be upset when I return to work.  I have been paging through my gratitude journal for sustenance. There are a number of things that show up repeatedly in the past two years.

#1.... a roof over my head. I am so grateful for that. I never take that for granted.
#2.... 3 healthy children
#3.... the beauty of the trees swaying in the breeze

So... two very typical things people would be grateful for.... and perhaps something that most people never give a second thought to. There is so much beauty in the world and it's easy to overlook it when all the news is doom and gloom. I have been giving some thought to starting a new gratitude journal... one just for appreciating some moment of joy from each day that is nature inspired. Just one. I think it could be very nurturing and an escape from everyday life.  My paper journal has less than 10 pages left in it.... the gratitude journal has about 20 pages or so left.  It's always a moment of joy when one is full and there is an excuse to either buy or make a new one.

Up until the beginning of the year, Bill was on the list many, many, many days as something I was grateful for. As I was looking though this year's journal, I realized that even though he is not part of my life anymore, I am still grateful for him. And he should still be on the list occasionally. He is the reason that I had the courage to change my life. That's huge. And I am so grateful. I miss having a best friend..... so much.

And being able to talk through things w/ Steve S is something to be grateful for. Too much has happened to just slide back into what we had, but I hope and pray we can be good friends again. I think we could enrich each others' lives. Just my opinion, of course.

According to a book by Kyra Sundance, I should be able to train my dog to bring me a beer. I don't think I want my dog to know how to open the refrigerator. I just think that opens up a huge possibility for a lot of problems and a lot of anger and high blood pressure on my part at some point.

That being said, I wish I could teach Yoyo to sit properly. He is so dumb.... every time we say "Sit", he sits (briefly) then holds up his paw to shake, then lies down, then gets up and does the whole thing again. And "stay" is just not sticking at all. And if he is busy, I get ignored........... He was infuriated by a squirrel yesterday morning and I thought he was going to go over the fence again. I wish I knew why that particular squirrel gets him so stirred up.....

Ruby has adapted readily to the new crate (Thanks, Gail).  She might even be a little happier, as she was in the shelter for so long, it may be that she needs the crate to feel safe. I have had it since Thursday and there have been no messes since.  When I open the door,  she goes right in and settles down, which is a huge relief. I put Yoyo in it for a little while one night, as it is a simply huge crate and there is plenty of room. He did not care for it and just stared at me until I let him out.

I have been thinking about Wilson lately and how much I loved him and how good he was. And how much it hurt when he died.

I ended up mowing again yesterday evening. I am not supposed to, but it needed to be done. The koi pond needs to be cleaned again too, but there is just no way. The last time I did it was right before all the BP problems started and I pulled my neck also. It was a bad weekend.  It's no fun to sit by the pond if I can't see the fish.

I'll be glad when I am not so weak, and when I can DO stuff again. SO many projects have come to a screeching halt.... the floors, the bathroom, the garage, the yard, the walkways, the patio...... it is making me crazy. I really want to work on these things, but I am relegated to sitting quietly, with nothing more strenuous than walking. Bleah. BORING! And frustrating. As horrible as I felt after mowing.... it was good to accomplish something.  The yard has piles and piles of clippings that will not be raked up, so not real attractive, but I guess it's better than the knee high grass.  Starting a compost pile was on my list too.... so I could have that started for next year, as I want a veggie garden. It seems endless, the list I have.

I started a matchbox shrine for my N'ness swap while I was waiting for Nicki to come back with my beading needles. I was really inspired and have high hopes for the finished product.  After a long dry spell, it seems that my creativity is flowing again, which is a blessing.

Time to get ready for work. Ugh.

I didn't make it yesterday, so was very disappointed.

I slept all day, as it was yet another day that I had absolutely no energy. No housework was done either, so my house is still fairly messy. I DID sit on the sofa and finish one component of a N'ness project.

Nicki made shepherd's pie yesterday evening. It was  delicious. And so unexpected, as she doesn't like red meat and she rarely cooks anything other than grilled chicken and couscous. I couldn't believe it when she said she was making it!


3:00... today is going better.
I have been working on my birds nest project for N'ness and I have to say it is fabulous. I have sent Nicki into town for beading needles, as everything came to a screeching halt because of the lack of the beading needles.

I am feeling very crafty.

Maybe not loser, but damned flaky lately. I wrote down TUESDAY the 28th as being the date to pay Electric/Water bill or would be sent a nasty cutoff notice. Well.... MONDAY was the 28th. I had to leave earlier from work than planned so I could take care of that. Pissed me off that I wrote down the wrong day and was fixated on the day, not date.

Doctor appointments yesterday..... BP still too high. Started the new med he prescribed last week. Will be starting the new diet after payday. I don't have any $$ for special food right now.... so will continue to live on cereal and couscous the rest of the week.  No biggie.

Was hopeful about the other situation.  That doctor is always fairly noncommittal, but he did say that he didn't see any more spots. Playing the waiting game with the lab now. Not dwelling on it. I think my BP is closer to killing me right now than cancer. I could be completely wrong, but if I am , will deal with it at the proper time.

Got my first hits on my N'ness LMAO. Too exciting!

So.....  a week after I discontinued my subscription to Match.com, I get an email saying someone has sent me a message, which of course, I can't access, because I cancelled my subscription. My question.... since I disabled my profile before I ever left the site,  how would anyone send me a message? Methinks Match.com is trying to get more money out of me. Seems a little havey-cavey..... At least E-Harmony was upfront about not being to match me to anyone. Immediately. "You are unmatchable" . So hilarious.

I finally was able to talk to SS.... after several years of trying to get all that business cleared up. I feel better now. As always, the big problem was a huge hug HUGE miscommunication/misunderstanding.  This time, not all my fault...... definitely two-sided, that. The positive thing... maybe we can talk as adults now and be friends again. We used to have good times.

Ruby messed in the house again while I was at work  yesterday.... it is really making me crazy and I don't know what to do. I can't afford a crate. What's worse is I know it bothers Yoyo. She is messing in HIS house.

Was reading "Dancing with the Goddess Incarnate" this morning. About the silliest, fluffiest book ever. I am listing it on Amazon. I don't want it on my bookshelf.

I still have a credit on paperbackswap.com  but just not finding anything I want. It would be nice to get a new book to read, however, so maybe I will look again.  I am running out and the Shelbyville library is not exactly the most well stocked of libraries.  I was excited to find a used bookstore, just off the square. Unfortunately, it was chock full of Harlequin romances and westerns, of all things. Slim pickings on contemporary and classic fiction.

I am in the mood to go antiquing, but I know that will have to wait. I am going to go to Nashville on the 3rd for a luncheon and plan to make a day of it, health permitting. I want to go into Green Hills and stroll the aisles of Whole Foods and head over to Jake's place to look for a  travel coffee cup with the Cup o' Joe to Go logo on it. I love that t'shirt.... want a mug also. I will probably take advantage of being on the West End and go to Borders, Magical Journey, and all those nifty vintage clothing stores on Louise St. I am so looking forward to this and I hope nothing happens so that I can't go.  I could use a day of window shopping ... and I am really looking forward to the luncheon and meeting some cool people. I only know 2 people and there is supposed to be 10-12.

I am still craving the Hermit   tattoo. John is supposed to head up here the last week of October, but I am thinking of going down there to pick him up so I can get that done. I don't know any local tattoo artists that I trust that much and it's such a detailed picture... I want it done right.

Listening to the Beatles this morning. A Beatles sort of day........

No sleep.

Again.

I have never heard such a loud cricket in my life. Nicki heard it from the living room.... and my door was closed. I can't sleep and I am so irritated now that I can't even relax on the couch. I was lying there almost crying in frustration. I tore up the room looking for it.

The silver lining: my kitchen is very clean.  I had to do something or go crazy.....

Went for follow up doctor visit yesterday. BP is still too high so meds were changed yet again and dose was doubled. I will be comatose, if the past few weeks are any indication of how my body will react to a higher doese. Giving it 4 weeks, then if it is still not better, I will have to go in hospital for some tests. I really don't have time for this. And I hate being so groggy all the time.

I am in the living room and I can hear that damn cricket. Making me NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want it to be set free OUTSIDE. NOT IN MY HOUSE.

I made it through the test and did better than I expected, given that I have been only semi-functional for the past few weeks. Made 98/99 on Reading, Writing,Math. Not so well on Algebra, but I expected that...... made a 17!  And whatever correct answer I gave was lucky guessing. So I will have to take a "developmental" algebra class. My question is the same as it was 25 years ago when I was forced to take this subject in high school..... WHY do I need to take algebra? In the past 25 years, I haven't needed it and I really don't foresee a need for it in the next 25. It's ridiculous, if you ask me. It seems a waste of time, not to mention money.  It irritates me to be forced to do something that I know will stress me and there is no need for it. Just ridiculous.

While there, found out that the school lost  me app fee. So in order to register, I have to pay it again and do a trace on the money order I sent. Was a little miffed when I left the school.

Was a Monday at work.  Monday, Monday, Monday.......As soon as I came in, had to dive into the phones and there was no let up. I took 85 calls.... very glad that they were not really tough ones. I am still slightly wonky from the meds, although much better, so I am hesitant sometimes to give answers on more complex accounts. Nerve wracking.  Worked late to make up for coming in late and it threw my schedule off last night after getting home. I am still off balance this morning.

I turned off the light at 11:30... been tossing and turning for the last hour and it's only 4:00. I am exhausted and really sleepy.  I can't get comfortable. Cheap mattress? Noise from A/c cutting on and off? Dogs moving around? Stress and worries? The meds? Whatever the cause, it is is truly becoming unbearable.

I keep thinking about the mid to late 90s when I had insomnia so bad I would stay up for days at a time. I think that traumatized me so much that even one night with not enough  sleep makes me paranoid. Those were bad bad bad years.........

I have been trying to think of some good things that have happened to me in the past couple of years and aside from outwardly doing better financial wise, learning to be independent, having my own home, and so on.... the biggest changes are inward: growth, acceptance, forgiveness, and self-awareness.

Some of the books on my shelves that have nurtured my spirit and/or inspired me:

Non-Fiction:
A Journal of Gratitude.........................Sarah Ban Breathnach
The Artist's Way...................................Julia Cameron
Succulent Wild Women.....................SARK
Celtic Women's Spirituality...............Edain McCoy
A Gift From the Sea............................Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Finding Your Own North Star...........Martha Beck
Simple Abundance............................Sarah Ban Breathnach
The Spiral Dance...............................StarHawk
Eternal Echoes...................................John  O'Donohoe
Good Poems.......................................Garrison Keillor (compiled by)
Walden..................................................Henry David Thoreau
In Beauty May she Walk, Hiking the Appalachian Trail at 60............Leslie Mass



Fiction:
Under the Tuscan Sun.....................Frances Mayes
A Room With a View..........................E.M. Forster
Coming Home...................................Rosamunde Pilcher
September..........................................Rosamunde Pilcher
Alice in Wonderland..........................Lewis Carroll
Ladder of Years.................................Anne Tyler
Lake News.........................................Barbara Delinsky
Griffin and Sabine series................Nick Bantock
Country of the Pointed Firs.............Sarah Orne Jewett


Magazines:
Victoria
Sage Woman
Readers Digest
Mary Jane's Farm
Circle




A short list, but these are the ones that popped into my head as I was lying there tossing and turning.  As I get older, I am more open to absorbing the experiences of others and learning from them, based on my internal reactions to those experiences. At the same time, I am becoming more selfish and more internalized.

Mostly, I think it's a good thing, but there are times when I feel like I am turning into someone very cold and aloof, which may explain why I have no friends. I try to think that it's just time for me to learn about myself and that after I come to terms with self, I will be more open again to friendships and it will be all new friendships, not the destructive past relationships I have had. I hope so, anyway. The rest of my life with no friends....doesn't sound very appealing.  At the same time, it is slightly appealing, as it means no effort on my part. Laziness? Selfishness? Am I turning into my mother, whom I despise? That doesn't bear thinking about.

There are so many questions and not many answers.

I am drawn to the Hermit tarot card...... maybe because I am looking for that illumination. The Hermit is holding out a lantern to guide others, but at the same time he is holding back, detached.  A metaphor for where I am at? Or where I need to be? More questions, more self examination.

The sun is up.....

I have never been so tired in my life. I am just drained.
I am missing another day of work because my chest is tight again... as well as the backs of legs hurting like h.e.l.l.

Just got back from the doctor.

BP is up again and so the meds got upped again. I don't know what I am going  to do, as I am borderline nonfunctional as it is.

Legs... pinched nerve.

I couldn't sleep last night so I made postcards to distract myself:



I got bored with them so they aren't completely finished.  The lady on right bottom is Wallis Warfield and the text is: Wallis Warfield, 1914, Baltimore, Bachelor's Cotillion. Later Mrs. Earl Winfield Spencer, Jr., later Mrs. Ernest Simpson, later Duchess of Windsor. Never queen, but not for want of trying.

The lady on top left is an ad from 1928 (great ephemera from Bell Buckle Antiques) for deodorant.

The sheep one is my favorite, although I like the eye in the sun too. I think I get carried away and start layering stuff and I end up overdoing it, as I did with the 1928 lady.

Drugs are kicking in and I am heading back to bed.

For whatever reason, this has been an incredibly long week. I am glad it's the last work day....I plan on vegging all weekend, other than working on my speech. I still can't bring myself to care very much about it, but I do need to put some sort of effort.... I think quite a few of the others in the group are going all out with Power Point and other visual aids, but I think I am just going to give a  straightforward speech and be done with it.

This is day 5 without coffee and I am still hating it... and my heartburn is still the same.

The dogs are still really clingy. I am trying to be patient, but it is really getting on my nerves.

Hmm....I am feeling kinda bitchy.

I really want some coffee

And more sleep..........

It is Mule and Donkey Celebration this weekend. I planned to go, but I am just too tired. Nicki walked to the Celebration grounds yesterday after work and came back all excited because she got to pet a mule.  She is so silly.

Oh my poor head.....
Giving up coffee is rough. 

The BP meds are still making me so sleepy that I am borderline non-functional. Yesterday at work, I made an idiot of myself more than once by totally losing track of what was being told to me. NOT a good thing in my job. I am sure there were agents all over the country thinking that I had no business being in this department.  Today, I am being pulled out of the phones again for a production blitz. I am okay with that, but I can't guarantee quality work, things being what they are. Better than being in the phones! I can take in my CDs and just ignore everyone else.


Working on my speech for next Wednesday and just not inspired. I don't think it is going to be very good, but I just can't make myself care too much right now.  I have another speech the week after that I haven't even started.  Oh well.

Gosh, I am tired.
I want some coffee, dammit.

Spent the weekend at John's place. Nathan and I left early Friday morning and got back this afternoon. Thankfully, the trip went smooth, even though the interstate was really crowded. 

We had a good time, although we really didn't do a whole lot, other than hanging out. Nathan and John bother went and got tattoos. They both went into the artist's portfolio, which is kinda cool. 

Yesterday, John I went to the antique stores and poked around. Saw a lot of cool (and expensive) stuff.


Thursday (before the trip), went back to the doctor and got new meds. I think these will be better for me. There is just a small window where I am really tired and sleepy. Other than that, I seem to be doing better. Also got a new script for the osteoporosis. The BP meds is on the $4 list at Wal-mart and the the other is $9, so I think I can work it into the budget. Hope so, anyway.

I am exhausted and am heading to bed for a long nap.


Insomnia makes you think weird thoughts. There's a certain clarity that only comes when one hasn't slept in 2-3 days that removes inhibitions to those thoughts that otherwise lurk in the back of the brain.


Oh! I almost forgot. We went for a long walk again along the Nature Preserve trail by John's apartment. How fortunate he is to be so close to all those trees and the river. It is simply beautiful. I know it helps John's spirits.

YoYo woke me up to go outside a little while ago, a rare event. When he does, he is usually quick about wanting to come back in, but I guess his tummy is upset because he is adamant that it is not time to come in and it's been 30 minutes.  And he is eating grass.  Ruby got up with us and went out, but stood on the porch just looking back in with a very befuddled look, as if to say, "What the heck are you doing? It's SLEEP time!" She is very expressive and communicative.

Of course, I am wide awake now (sorta) and I don't have any reason to be up this early because I don't have to go to work today. Follow up doctor visit today.  I was a bit nervous about that visit but I am just too exhausted to be fretting too much. Probably a good thing... maybe.

I have been a zombie since Sunday. All I have wanted to do is sleep. Yet I managed to work.  Somehow.  I started those meds on Saturday so I am thinking that my body should have adjusted a little bit by now. I can't handle feeling like this. Quite frankly, I would rather run the risk of a stroke. That is on the list of things to bring up to the doctor today.

I'm 2 items closer to being able to register for classes. 3 more to go: Compass exam, computer proficiency exam, and meeting with an adviser.

I am astounded at how many people are sharking at Freecycle. Well, maybe not so amazed as I know good and damn well that the general population is fairly greedy. I am  a little bummed with the Shelbyville Freecycle, as I see lots of wanted and very few offers.
AND..... I have posted 5 offers in the past two weeks and at least 4 people responded to all 5 offers. That seems greedy. Really.
My offers: loveseat, icebox fridge, dog bed, a years worth of womens mags: Glamour, Allure, Marie Claire, etc, and a bag of assorted household linens.   I plan to post offers for clothing, but I dunno. Another part of me says to just take it to the Goodwill. That would seem to be a better idea so I don't get pissy when the same people email immediately with "I want it, when can I pick it up?"

I have posted ONE wanted. For plastic clothes hangers. Just to see if anyone would think about all those hangers they have in some spare room closet.  Not one response on that one.  Not one. I just feel that if I posted to Murfreesboro Freecycle, someone would email me to say they have a garbage bag full of hangers and pleasecomegetthemthankyouverymuch.

Oh well.