Lullabyes for an Insomniac

I did it!!!!

62,440 words. WHEW!

So.... I did like 9000 words in the first few days and have been at a complete stop the past few days. I have tried to write, but I am just making up gibberish. I am hoping the weekend will kick start it again.  In the meantime, I applied and was accepted to write for BellaOnline. I am excited about it and am looking forward to honing my research and writing skills. I will be writing for the cosmetics section of the site. My first two articles have to be posted this week so I will be doing a lot of writing this weekend.

I am working on a few projects for art42, most notably some Christmas ornaments. I have to go get a couple of more things at Hobby Lobby then I can get them finished and in the mail. It feels good to be a little creative. I have been sewing on a few projects for Yule gifts too.

My big project this weekend is to strip the dining room chairs. They are all mismatched and the wood and paint finishes are not the best. I am thinking about painting them each a different color, but I am toying with painting 1/2 white and 1/2 black.  Multi-color would probably work better with my tablecloths and dishes, but it's something I have never done before and it scares me.

Okay, coffee is done and YoYo is stirring.....

Sometimes I wonder what is worse.... Saying nothing and wishing you had or saying something and wishing you hadn't. It's a no win, either way.

I can't keep doing this.

I can't keep living like this.

I can't keep pretending that everything is okay when actually, it's far from it.

 My doctor gave me quite a speech about biological depression versus situational depression. I understand situational depression. Biological depression sounds like my body just letting me down and is a little hard to swallow.  I was prescribed an anti depressent for my CFS, but he is going to increase the dosage. Bleah.

An assessment of depression from Psych Central. Interesting.

( Are you depressed? )

I found this link just fascinating.
psychcentral.com/news/2009/06/12/biological-link-to-obesity-and-depression/6483.html

Damn car.
Worth 2500
Needs 3500 worth of repairs to get it running

Challenges, challenges, challenges

Insomnia has been really rough lately. I am averaging 2 hours a night. My CPAP is having to be replaced, which doesn't help. I knew I had to be up at 2:30 this morning to take Richard to work, but woke up at midnight. I am still wide awake, but I know I am going to be ready to doze off about the time I need to start getting ready for work.  I tried the counting sheep ploy, but the sheep started to look and act bizarre, so I decided to get up. I made some Boo bags to take to work, so was a productive night.  It's hard to get excited about the productivity... I would rather have slept. 

There is some horrible TV in the middle of the night. Commercials for everything you never imagined and really bad sitcom reruns. I got to thinking about people in hospitals and nursing homes that can't sleep. People that are dealing with life issues and are lonely. People with terminally ill children. People with no friends. I read somewhere that the unhappier people are, the more TV they watch. People who can't sleep at night are probably unhappy. And the crap that is on TV is enough to make someone suicidal. I have the option to get crafty, play on the internet or read... but what about all those people who don't have the same resources I do? What do they DO all night? Watch this crap and cry? Or worse, pick up the phone to order things, simply to have some human contact? It's depressing. And wrong. Why are insomniacs targeted with bad TV and awful commercials for kitchen gadgets and cheap costume jewelry?

My stitches are itching too. I am fricken tired of wearing the damn bandana to work. I gave a speech yesterday in Toastmasters looking like a hippie. Not an image I normally project. Of course, the department manager was at the meeting..... As I gave the speech, I had an almost overwhelming urge to scratch my head. It made me mess up my speech quite a bit because it was such a distraction. Itchy, itchy, itchy!  My speech was actually an interpretive reading. I read "The Price" by Neil Gaiman, which was appropriate for the time of year. I am glad to get it over with.

Richard and I decided for various reasons (mainly because he has to be at work at 4am on Sunday) to stay at home on Saturday, rather than going to The Mark, as planned. While I normally prefer to stay at home, I was really looking forward to dressing up, seeing the others' costumes, and listening to the band. Oh well. This means I wasted close to $20 on tulle, rose petals, leaves, and feathers for my fairy costume. I will have to find another use for the stuff.  We decided to go out to dinner and maybe watch a movie.  We'll probably load up YoYo and head over to Shelby Bottoms early in the day and take a long walk.  We wanted to have fun this weekend, as next weekend is earmarked for cleaning and organizing the storage unit.

Okay. Going to try to lie down for 45 minutes. Probably a bad idea, but I REALLY want some sleep.

I have been busy, busy, busy. I have kept my dreamwidth account pretty updated, but that is a private journal. I was too lazy to put the rated G parts on LJ. I have made a vow to start this journal back.

Quick recap since move in July:

Home-
-Settled in and Richard and I feel like we've lived together forever
-The apartment is working out, except for the jackass upstairs that plays his music too loud and paces all the time
-Richard asked me to marry him, although not formally. Just discussed it. We agreed to table it until the first of the year.
                                (I love Richard, but am not in love with him. Rocky still flits at the edge of my brain)
-I have not only failed to blog, but crafting fell by the wayside. I dragged my sewing machine out last week and started a project!
                                (Thank you, Julia Cameron and Claudine Hellmuth, for inspiration)
-I have been taking advantage of living in Nashville and have been going to festivals, museums, and boutique stores to my heart's content. I have a membership to the zoo and have gone several times. Pictures below under the cut.
-YoYo and Jenny are coexisting peacefully, a shocker
-YoYo slipped out of his collar one day last week and was hit by a car. He is okay, but I went through a really bad 48 hours
-I spent a weekend in Baptist Hospital because of chest pains. Not a heart attack. Panic was the diagnosis. (sigh)
-I had a cyst removed from my scalp this week. I was traumatized because when I raised my head from the pillow, blood was soaked into the pillow.
-I was diagnosed with CFS.
-Several deaths in family and among friends led to a slight depression but I am dealing with it
-I cut myself off from the pettiness on swap-bot and quit swapping there
-I also quit swapping anywhere, but want to start back soon
-I met a really cool couple here in Nashville, all artsy fartsy. It was nice to meet people that like the same stuff I do
-I applied to be a writer for a website. Haven't heard back yet, but even if rejected, was good to stretch my writing muscles to apply
-Started studying for Microsoft Certification
-Have watched more movies in the past few months than in my entire life before now

Kids:
John-working toward GED, as his boss will help him get into Art Institute of Atlanta Culinary School. Has a lovely girlfriend that appears to be more sane than his last few choices. We went to see him in August and had a great time
Nicki-same-o, same-o. She has been dealing with some health issues but is reasonably okay
Nathan-is working for TDOT and discussing going to NADC in the spring


Work:
I am grateful to have a job
I am grateful to have a job
I am grateful to have a job
Maybe if I say it enough, I can make myself accept the soulless and thankless job I have


Spirituality:
What can I say? I have sadly neglected that part of me. I need to work on this.
( Nashville Zoo at Grassmere )

I moved!

I am in Nashville, minutes from the airport. It cuts 15-20 minutes off my commute, which is wonderful. The move has left me so broke I can't even pay attention, but that is okay. I love being this close to so many of my favorite places. My apartment is no great shakes, but I can't really complain. I am on an upper floor and I have a lovely view of Murfreesboro Rd, the Krystal sign, a sports bar, and the planes taking off. I was able to keep YoYo, which REALLY made me happy. NOT so happy that I have to find Ruby a home. I feel like I am letting her down.

Most importantly,  the move puts me 15 minutes from Richard. This is extremely important to both of us. After a month, the relationship has really gotten intense and we are quite enraptured with one another.... a surprise to both of us. I have not journaled about Richard here, all the entries have been in my private journal, as what I feel about him is just too new and precious to share right now, even with the few people left that read my sporadic entries.

After the Rocky debacle, I was very wary of letting my feelings loose, but this has been nothing but positive. There are no doubts in my mind about Richard... it's like we have known each other forever and we have just very quickly and naturally fallen into each others'  lives like we belong to each other.  It seems right to be together and we bring out the best in each other, I believe. We are building a splendid structure together, one that I hope lasts for a very long time.

It snowed last night!!!!!!
I woke up to a beautiful sight. So surprising... I knew it might snow, but when snow is forecast around here, it usually means a dusting but there's a few inches this morning, so everything is covered. So pretty. The dogs didn't care for it.


I met Mike P at Fridays yesterday evening-for a drink. It turned into a 6 hour dinner date. Very unexpected, as I have never thought of him as more than a fun acquaintance. I had a lovely time, great conversation, lots of laughs. We found that we both love cereal for supper and have had some similar experiences. He has asked if I would go out on a date with him and I said yes.  He is interesting and an undemanding companion. However, he is a Yankees fan. That's bad....

It's good timing, as far as starting to date again, as Nickie found an apartment and will be moving in 2 weeks!
YAY! I love having her around, but I have missed my alone time.

Right after I got home, David called me. Out of the blue. He is staying at Mother's for the weekend. He has been in Florida the last year and evidently has held a job all that time. Amazing. I gave him a huge big sister lecture about staying in touch, then we had a  nice conversation. I hope that he might be growing up finally. Grace is not a part of his life, which probably helps. I was extremely happy to learn that he has had his teeth taken care of finally and has dentures. I HATE having a brother that looked like a down and out drug addict. Which he is, but that isn't the point.

I am really irritated/hurt/upset, as the swaps that I sent out last week have all been received (thank you delivery confirmation) but only one person has had the courtesy to acknowledge receipt (the spring equinox doll). It just bothers me that I spend so much time and thought, not to mention money.... and I make sure that I acknowledge within a day or two when someone sends me something, even if I don't care for it.  It is another reason to drop out of all swapping.  Honestly, why bother?

I think I may drop full_moon_swaps  too. It is just not feeling like a community to me and I think 7 moderators for a community that is so quiet is  just not necessary. I am most definitely expendable.  And I just don't like the way it is heading.  So it might be best to just remove myself. I am going to give it serious thought over the next week. It is just a chore, at this point.

I have already dropped any outstanding swaps on swap-bot that haven't had partners assigned. I am waiting on  quite a few things that should be sent already or sent in the next few weeks, so I can't delete my profile. Will have to wait on that.

I think I am looking more for a community that has the energy that Nervousness used to have. I may not be able to find it, but I want to look for it. Or create one.  I thought FMS would have that energy, but it just doesn't.

Tomorrow is the systems switch at work and I am dreading and looking forward to it at the same time. I was fortunate enough to be assigned production by my supervisor, so I will have an advantage of having time to learn the new system before having to work from the phones with it. Supervisor is a good guy! 

Today has been designated Clean-the-house-it-is-messy, messy, messy-after-being-ill-for-a-month Day, so I need to get moving.

Yoyo reappeared, healthy and unharmed, thankfully. I am not going to dwell on that. Suffice to say, it was bad while he was missing.

Friday, someone sent me flowers at work. Pink tulips, my favorite. No card, no name, no florist logo, just a mystery. They are beautiful, although slightly limp after the weekend. It has made me nuts, as I am not a fan of mysteries like that. I would like to thank whomever sent them! They made the day a lot brighter, for sure.



I have been procrastinating a little on packing up some swap-bot things. I have had them all ready to go for weeks, just haven't felt like packing them. I am almost done packing tonight (love insomnia). I think once I mark "sent" on the swaps I have, I will stop for a bit. I joined some expensive swaps lately and as much as I enjoy putting together things for other people, it is getting to be too much, as I am not receiving an equivalent in return. I started out with quite a stash of things, so I was just clearing clutter, but I have had to purchase things recently, so time to stop.

Unfortunately, I failed to save the scans of the tip-in pages for the Wheel of the Year Tip-ins-both February and March for morrigane .

( Read more... )

( Read more... )

( Read more... )

Those are the last of the big swaps I plan on doing for awhile. I have a Spring Swap for Nervousness, but I can make most fo the things for that one and it should be fairly easy. I have a few outstanding tags , but nothing more than gathering things up that I already have or can make very quickly. I am just burned out and have been quite disappointed (and flaked on) a few times recently, so before it becomes a chore, I would rather just stop.


I am slowly but surely recovering and every day is a little better. I hope I can get well enough to start packing, as I am very serious about moving back closer to Murfreesboro. There are more and more issues becoming apparent with the house and I need to get out before my life becomes even more of a misery. All this, just when I finally start to meet some local people. Figures. I hate moving... I own too many things. I will be freecycling a lot of possessions when I move. I just don't need them. They are encumbrances.

Speaking of local people, have met some lovely people that I have wanted to meet for quite some time and got my entry to The Mark, which is a wonderful thing. It gets me back out with people I have things in common with, which is nice. I have a dinner date with one of the men that I used to see at the old club, so it is something to look forward to. I still miss Bill, but I am never getting him back, so it is time to look forward. I am not looking for a relationship, but occasional dates would be nice.




















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I just came back from posting missing posters all over the neighborhood. YoYo vanished from the back yard. I am sure he jumped the fence, but there has been no sign of him since.

( Full Moon Swap-Light in the Darkness )

For some reason, I am having tons of problems posting to LJ lately. My first sentence up there was not supposed to be under the cut, but it will not let me edit it.


I finished a plushie for one of Nicki's friends. It is  cthulhu, a nasty H.P. Lovecraft creature:

( cthulhu )


I also finished a Spring Goddess doll, almost exactly like one I finished two years ago, for a swap-bot swap. I haven't even been assigned my partner yet, but I have her ready to go. I will post pics of her later. I am working on some tip in pages for morrigane . Too funny, I was finishing her page for a series of swaps we are doing on swap-bot and when March's partners were assigned, I am sending to her again!

I am feeling a lot better today. I got up in the middle of the night to drive Nicki to Nashville, as she is going to South Carolina this weekend to see a friend. After that, I came back home and slept. Stayed out of work again, as I need the rest. I do plan on going to work tomorrow if I continue to feel better. I have been invited to The Mark this weekend for a Valentine party and and thinking about going. I don't know, I probably should stay home and rest some more. But it is tempting. It's a $15 door charge and it's nice to have someone else pay that.... normally I fend for myself at the door. We'll see how I feel.

I have made the decision to let my house go. It was a tough decision, but I honestly don't know how I will manage after Nicki moves out... it will put me $300-$400 over budget EVERY month. Disaster. I don't expect to make anything off the sale of the house, but hopefully I will break even.  My heart is hurting over it, but it has to be done. I can't take on a second job while my health is in such a precarious state. It would be counter-productive.

I am just so damn tired. And tired of being tired.

It has been quite a while since I could update. Between health issues and LJ not allowing me to update (GGRRR), I just have been pretty quiet.  Putting a lot of this under cuts, so as not to clutter up people's FLists.

( Boring health stuff )

It has been bitterly cold quite a bit in the past few weeks and neither Nicki or I can bear to go into the kitchen because it is so cold, so the kitchen is messy and we have been wasting money on take-out. The messiness is making me nuts, but honestly, I can't stand to go in there. It was 42 degrees in there the other morning. Today, the temp is supposed to be in the 70's!  If the kitchen warms up, I may venture in there to tidy and wash the sink full of glasses. Tennessee weather......

I have been really busy with full_moon_swaps  and swap-bot... not to mention school. This semester is kicking my butt.

I received a lovely pocket goddess from gypsytemptress  via swap-bot. I think it is hilarious to be paired up on another site with the same people from LJ. I don't have a pic of the goddess she sent yet, but as soon as I post my pics of my updated water altar, I will show it off. It is cross stitched, a lovely blue goddess.

Swap-bot has paired me with morrigane several times, right on the heels of our FMS swap in October. Too funny.
( My funny Valentine )


I wrote another lovely paper about frugal shopping and debated starting another journal just for that type of thing, as after the first paper I wrote in the fall, which I recycled into a Toastmasters speech, I made a zine, which was so well received, I ended up printing again two more times. I gave out 23 of them, which isn't bad. After the 2nd paper, which I again recycled into a speech, I made another zine, which I haven't distributed yet.  Need some $$ before printing. Anyway, at work, I am considered somewhat fo an expert and since times are so hard, I have been invited to speak to other groups and distribute the zine. I thought a blog dealing with the issue of frugal living would be nice, but there are already SO many, I just don't want to repeat things. Need to think on it some more.

( Dumpster diving )
More later, going back to bed....still so tired.....

Photography is most definitely NOT my strong suit....and photobucket was being a brat this morning. I cropped every single one of these pics and photobucket shows them cropped, yet here.... not cropped. WTH?

(  Awful Pictures and short descriptions under here. )

Cold Moon

Birch Moon

I finished my tip-ins for hag53's altered book/BOS. I made a card style spread, so she can insert it into her book either attached or split apart. The theme is January's full moon and I chose to include information about the Celtic Cold Moon or Birch Moon. It is very plain, but I wanted to give the sense of darkness and the moon shedding light.

 

 

It's been a week and I never posted about this. Shame on me.

Last Saturday afternoon, I finally got to meet Barbara and Randall, something we have planned several times and wasn't able to do because of various reasons. I was determined that nothing was going to stop me from going this time.

We met at Outback and I was all gussied up in my new black blouse and jeans and my favorite strappy silver heels. The first thing that happened when we were seated was that a tray of iced tea was dumped in my lap.

Of course.

First time I meet someone and I have to sit during dinner feeling like I wet my pants. Ugh. I am so glad it wasn't a first date or meeting with someone I was romantically interested in. That would have been so terrible and embarrassing......

I had a really fantastic time despite the tea incident and we plan to hang out again sometime soon. They are a fun couple and it was nice to have adult conversation about some common interests.

Went to the sleep study doctor today and have a follow-up sleep lab on the 18th. I am dreading it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. She pretty much echoed what the ENT told me in November.  She also offered the solution of a CPAP, rather than breaking my jaw to realign the jawline, which was definitely a wonderful thing.
( bitching under here.... )


This has been a terribly long week at work and I am SO glad it is over. I plan to clean and work on crafty things this weekend.

I will be one of seven moderators for full_moon_swaps , something I am very excited about. The announcement will be made in the next day or so, then I will announce the February theme. I have been really discouraged about that community, thinking I found it just as it was gasping its last breath. I hope we can keep it going and stay true to songtoisis 's vision, while implementing new ideas and plans.










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Leonard Nimoy photography

www.leonardnimoyphotography.com/7body.htm

Warning:clicking takes you to nudity

My sister brought an old picture to me that I have propped up by the computer until I can get it framed. It is one of those cheesy souvenir photos from Opryland (theme park that no longer exists). The picture is of me and my two younger sisters. I was 17, and they were 13 and 11. I took them to the park for their birthday presents and we had SO much fun. When we were younger we were not able to do things like that very often. I was waitressing at Cracker Barrel and I saved all the coins I received in tips until a popcorn tin was full and that was for their birthday. We had over $500 to blow, a lot of money in the 80's for three poor girls! In the photo, we  all look so innocent and happy. The hat I am wearing is epic. I was thrilled to see it again. Was a good memory.



After a few days of mild weather, it is turning windy and bitterly cold again. When I took the dogs out earlier, the storm door was nearly torn from my hands. Brrrr.... it's rough to be out in the cold as soon as you roll out of bed. Yoyo hates the cold and always sulks when he comes back in if I made him go out when it is cold and/or raining. he has started trying to get on my bed lately, which makes me crazy. Whe he was a puppy, he did sleep in my bed, but he was kicked out a couple of years ago and sleeps on the sofa. He is sneaky about it too.... waits until I am asleep then he climbs, not jumps. It still  disturbs me and I kick him out. Not sure why he suddenly started that again, unless he is just cold and knows he can make a warm nest in the bed. I will hit the Goodwill this weekend for old blankets and see if he will stop if he has more blankets. It is very cold in this house at night. It doesn't seem to bother Ruby, but then again, very little does. The warmest spot in the house is Nicki's room, as she keeps a heater running full blast at all times. She is always cold and she has an 11 year old cat in her room that needs heat.

The past couple of weeks have been busy and up and down, as always.

Biggest news is that John was here for 4 whole days! We had a good time, although we mainly stayed at home. Katie came over Saturday and we played with the Wii and then she and Nicki made soap while John and Nathan played games.  I hated to see John leave on Sunday, but he has made a definite commitment to return to TN in April, when his lease is up.

Have had car issues and plumbing issues in past couple of weeks, but I refuse to dwell on them.

Doug sent me a sewing machine and I have started a number of small goddess dolls that I will complete in the next couple of weeks for PIFs and swaps. I am looking for vintage bra patterns, now that I have a decent machine. I can hardly wait to get crafting.  He also sent me a camera, which is a lot of fun. I haven't had much chance to play with it yet, but am looking forward to being able to take clearer pics! Such sweet and thoughtful gifts. But that is Doug. That Christmas tree he sent was a big hit with the kids. :)

Bon & J are fighting.... depressing.

I passed my courses, although since that last paper I handed in was so bad, I dropped from an A to a C. I am not ashamed of it... A C is respectable after being out of school for 25 years, but it irritates me that I let a work project take precedence over school. This also means I am only reimbursed 50% for tuition, which sucks.Won't happen again. I dropped out of all committee and projects at work. I just want to go in and work... then go home.  I still need to finish those last two speeches in Toastmasters. I put them off in November, but have asked if I can do a speak-a-thon to get both out of the way before I schedule those damn surgeries. We'll see.

Was doing some research for an elemental altar today:

Air-
East (duh)

Projective energy, intelligence, creativity, communication, imagination, ideas, dreams, wishes, psychic powers, travel

Symbols: wind, breezes, clouds, feathers, smoke, herbs, incense

Goddesses: Aradia, Arinrhod, Urainia
Gods: Enlil(another raping god, for crying out loud)
Spirits: zephyrs (I love that word), fairies, tree spirits

Colors: yellow, white

Stones: topaz, pumice, rainbow stones, crystals, amethyst, alexandrite

Metals: tin and copper

Animals: eagle, spider, raven


I think from this, I can come up with a great altar to put by my crafting area......

I need to get out of my head and all the PIFs and tags I did in the last few weeks did improve my mood.

I thought I was going to make it through December with no major problems. I have a doctor appointment this morning and the engine light is on......2 weeks after it is paid off, the engine light goes on. It's like the car KNOWS!

This is the 3rd time I have had to reschedule this appointment and I need to get it out of the way before surgery, as it is the sleep study. Making me NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, because I bought Christmas gifts for the kids ( I knew better than to spend money....) I have zero left to fix the car. I will have to return everything and it is aggravating me to the extreme.


Waiting for Nathan to show up to take a look.

After several years with no Christmas whatsoever for a lot of reasons, Doug shamed me into putting up a tree and having a present or two for each kid. He sent me a tree! Crazy, silly man.
 

He also sent stockings for each of us. So sweet. And so unexpected. He always surprises me. In the interest of promoting Christmas spirit, he also sent me a stack of  Christmas CDs.... instrumentals mainly, as I have mentioned how much I dislike most Christmas CDs.  There is a soft jazz one that is fabulous.

John will be here Wednesday evening. I am so excited and I know he is too.

This is from my annual birthday walk through Opryland Hotel on 11/29.  Steve S. very kindly took pics while we were there and sent them to me.

Hard to see, but this is one of my favorite spots in Opryland Hotel. This is in the conservatory, viewing the pond from a bench. Behind the bench is a gazebo.





From the upper walkway, one of the gazebos.


And the trees, my very favoritest part of the Hotel. I wish they would nix the nativity scene, as I think it ruins the magic of  the trees, but oh well.

Received an amazing array of wintery comfort from GoDIva on N'ness:

( See all the wonderfulness: )


( Swap-Bot Tags )

So cold......

It was a busy weekend, worked Saturday, then cleaned all day yesterday. I am exhausted and yet I am nowhere near being finished cleaning. I cleaned the aquarium again and put new plants in. It is lovely, if I do say so myself.
( Swap-bot stuff )


I cannot get warm, and poor Nicki is frozen. Despite moving around all day yesterday, I never got warm and had to stay bundled up. It is close to unbearable this morning. I wonder if there is ANY insulation in the walls. I saw the attic and crawl space and they looked good.

The dogs are practically in hibernation mode, especially YoYo. He hates the cold.

This was for a N'ness swap... first dotee doll I have ever made and I thought it turned out cute. It is a Valentine dotee!



This was a Winter Swap... here is the rest:



The whimsy jar is winter themed, there is a little handmade journal for New Year's resolutions, a spice mat, a cookbook that reminds me of Mima, and a chocolate sleigh, also a first attempt at something new.

Today started out rough..... the coffee maker died. It was ugly. Just ugly.
Was peeing rain and sleet on the way to work and as always, people were being jerks. It took me from 6:15 to 8:00 to get to work, because of fender benders. Sheesh.

Was kinda a rough day at work, but it's over so I will move on.

I bought a coffee percolator instead of the drip type. I think coffee is better.... and it takes less counter space!

When I got home had two GREAT packages in the mail.... gwensmom sent me a box of fabulous fabric, which I was expecting, but also sent some marvelous yarns, which has me giddy with excitement.  There is some super soft fuzzy green yarn that will be perfect hair for a Baba Yaga doll I have been thinking about starting at some point.

AND!! my PIF from gypsytemptress arrived, smelling yummy when I opened the mail box. There was quite a collection of BPal scents, which my daughter is trying to steal (I offered to share) , samples of moisturizers, tea.... just all sorts of tiny treasures. What a day brightener!

There was also a belated birthday card from Bill's precious mother, that made me bawl like a baby, I miss him (and her) so much.

Whew!

Paper journal... I have neglected you terribly, but December will be better!

Steve S finally got back in touch with me about walking through the hotel. Very last minute, but I had decided to go anyway. It was nice to walk through and just take in the beauty. Peaceful.

www.newsday.com/news/local/nassau/ny-limart1129,0,167903.story

And there are those that wonder why I prefer to not be around people for the most part...............

Reminds of the cracked rib I suffered because of dumb ass bitches trampling people for beanie babies when I worked at Cracker Barrel. Wtf.

The sad thing is, I have serious doubts that any of the people that trampled this poor man to death are suffering any remorse... they wanted their damn foreign made crap and by golly, they probably got it.

Even sadder.... this did not surprise me.
Jaded, just jaded..... I really need affirmation that the majority of the human race is not turning into this.

One more day, one more day!

I am still in a fairly bad mood from yesterday. It irritates me that I paid a bill AHEAD(!) and now I can't watch T.V. Pisses me off. And T.V.s are not in my budget.

Another irritation. I am angeling a swap on swap-bot and it involves making a desk out of match boxes. Two questions... why would any self-respecting grown woman want such a thing? and what the hell is this same woman going to do with it? Ugly as hell, it is. I feel like I wasted a ton of time. If I received it, I would get all the beads and stuff out of the tiny matchbox drawers and consign it to file 13. Just saying.......

And another irritation... invited someone to stroll through Opryland Hotel tonight with me. This was Tuesday... no word from that individual since. I guess for the 4th year in a row, I will do it by myself.... 5 years if you count the year that I got halfway there and was too depressed so I came back home and went to bed instead.  I may not even make the effort this evening. I don't know that even the magic of all those lights would life my spirits. And if not, would be pissed even more that I spent time and gas getting there.

I hate November, I hate birthdays. No good comes out of either.

Nothing good in November. And always some aggravating complication on November 28, the worst day of the year, every year.

Literally minutes after paying the satellite bill, the TV was broken.

I hate my life sometimes.

I just want things to run smoothly for once. Just once. Is it too fucking much to ask?

I feel a little discombobulated....I feel like I should be at work.

Yesterday was so peaceful. I did absolutely nothing productive (although I had big plans for cleaning!). I watched the parade, then lay on the couch until 1:00 watching Food Network. When Nicki got up, we went to Cracker Barrel for lunch(breakfast really) and Nathan met us there for a little bit. After we got back home, more couch potato activity went on.

Today, need to get to work.... take advantage of being here to get some stuff done.

Thanksgiving.
I am thankful I have a day off with pay.
I am thankful I was able to sleep an extra hour.
I am thankful I don't have to talk to anyone all weekend, if I don't choose to.


I am NOT thankful I have no one to cook for. It's a bummer, as I do enjoy making holiday meals.

Received the Sweet Treat Recipe cards for my N'ness swap. I have a great idea for a scrapbook-style cookbook, starting with these. I was hoping for 10 participants, but I am very happy with these five:

( wonderful recipe cards )



( swap-bot stuff )

People are so...odd.... A town sanctioned food fight of tomatoes.... ugh! 20,000 people slinging tomatoes. It doesn't bear thinking about, really.

www.donquijote.org/culture/spain/fiestas/tomatina.asp

Odd people, stupid people sometimes.
Phone call yesterday:

Agent staff: Our insured has called asking when he can expect his refund from his canceled policies.

Angie: Why does he think he is due a refund? He never made any payments.

Agent staff: Because his policies were canceled the same day as issue.

Angie: But he never made a single payment and he was canceled for nonpayment of premium

Agent staff: Are you sure?

Angie: Please pull up the account history and let's look at it together (I love it when they don't even look before calling.... they have exactly the same info we do....)

Agent staff: You're right. What happened?

Angie: It looks like the account was set up, no payment was collected, and we canceled for nonpayment. Your insured is not owed a refund because he never paid a single penny to the policies.

Agent staff: Wonder why he thinks he is due a refund.

Angie: I can't answer that, you'll have to ask him. (and I'm thinking... why did you think he was owed a refund when you called?)

Blah, blah, blah.
STUPID!
Waste of time. While dealing with that stupidity, someone that really did need some help was hanging on hold.
Bleah.

I am becoming more and more disillusioned about the human race. I'd say that fully 2/3 of the calls I receive would be avoided if people would just look at the account and pull out a calculator. And there would still be plenty of calls and production work to keep us busy.
If someone had told me 5 years ago that I'd be explaining simple math for a living, I would have laughed so I hard....

.

November is almost over.

Someone gifted me with www.wellwornpath.com/ deck. I have looked at a few times and expressed a desire to learn more about it. After looking through the cards and the book, I came to the conclusion that it probably is not what I was thinking. I am afraid that I will probably just use the cards a altar components or meditation tools, rather than trying to use them as a divination system. But I could be wrong. I try to remain open and will look at them again.... but... I feel let down a little bit. The pictures are indeed lovely.

Ugh. I have a horrible headache this morning. I have taken aspirin, but it is just not going away.

Phone calls between midnight and the wee hours of the morning that start out, "I'm okay" are never good. Never. Last night, Nicki went to see Iron and Wine at the Ryman and on the way back, a big truck decided to come into her lane... he bumped the rear of her car, sending her across 3 more lanes of traffic.... and kept going, thank you very much.  Luckily, the damage to both my daughter and her car was minimal, although Nicki is hurting all over today and her poor car looks abused too.  I really don't know how she did it, but she managed to get the trailer number for the police. What a horrible way to end an evening she has been looking forward to for so long. I am so glad she is okay, just achey and shakey. I hope the police managed to stop the truck. Pisses me off that he kept going. No, even more, it infuriates me.

Needless to say, after that phone call, sleep was murdered.

Groggy this morning.

After Nature gifted us with sunshine and a mild cool yesterday, going out into the typical gray wet November is just a let down.

Bleah. Time to get ready for work.

Wow... only one more week to go. Learned something... I prefer to use my paper journal and just keep a running log every few days here.

My neck is a lot better... not so stiff, but still hurts. It's bearable, so am trying not to whine. The weather has aggravated my arthritis, so I am achey anyway.

Have been busy, busy, busy working on finishing PIFS and swaps I am angeling on swap-bot. Went to Bell Buckle yesterday and picked up some lovely things at Doodle Bug. Of course, while I was in Bell Buckle, I had to poke around the antique stores and I was SO glad I did. I found a few pieces of the blue cornflower CorningWare that I have been looking for at extremely reasonable prices! YAY!  The small individual casserole dishes with the plastic lids, so I can take leftovers for lunch in something nicer than plastic. I absolutely hate eating out of plastic. I could have spent a great dea of money yesterday, as there were many  pieces in that booth that I wanted, including the giant deep casserole with lid (!) that would come in handy for potlucks. It was $30 however, and I couldn't justify the purchase. There was also the teapot and coffee pots and all of it was in like new condition. I have a serious case of the "I wants."

Phillips General Store has in their window the creepiest Winter/Christmas display I have ever seen. It's all white, which is cool... but there is a ginormous... about 5' to 5 1/2' tall snowman (maybe made of plaster?) as the centerpiece and the expression on its face is just evil... like Freddie Kruger evil! And it is a shaped body with legs, not round snowball shaped. If I were a small child, that thing would give me nightmares. I may go back to take a picture of it.  Their other display window is very luxe; it is all dark pink and gold. Very Victorian, ornate Christmas.

I am so glad this is a short work week .... Monday -Wednesday, then 4 days off. Love the days off with pay. After working so many years in retail/restaurant and working every single holiday every single year.... so nice. Even if I don't celebrate....it's a day off with pay. Love it. I plan to clean, clean, clean the house.  And maybe go to Opryland Hotel to gawk at the 2 million Christmas lights.  We'll see.

Not doing well with last part of the semester.... maybe now that the presure of that damn work presentation is over I can focus more.

I am debating whether or not I want to go pick up some overtime. I am thinking no, as I need to rest the neck and shoulder, but my bank balance is saying, get your damn lazy ass to work and make some money.

For the past hour, I have been finishing up my recipe cards for my sweet treat recipe card swap. If I do say so myself, they are lovely.  There is a cookie swap again this year at work and several people requested I bring my ooey gooey chewy bars. It seems strange to me that the same people who got the recipes last year want me to make it again and get the same recipe, but whatever. They are easy to make, so not going to argue.

Ruby has been allowed to stay out of the cage all week and no bathroom mishaps! This is exciting. I am going to give it one more week, and if she does okay, I will return Gail's humongous cage to her. I swear, it is great dane sized. Ruby is lost in it. And it takes up a goodly portion of the dining room. Now... need to work on the fence. I have been keeping her chained when she goes outside, which I hate, but I can't go through another night of walking all over the neighborhood looking for her.


Okay, need to get to work, whether paid work, or household drudgery.

It's over! Finished! Finally!

Presentation was as grim as I feared. The person responsible for clicking the Power Point wasn't listening to me and failed to click through as I was speaking. After I finished, as I was walking away, I saw the screen clicking through to my last quote, then he asked if I was going to say the quote.... I already DID! Geez. Was unorganized and did not flow. And I was in so much pain, I couldn't remember what I was supposed to say... I used no notes, however... was able to wing it and it flowed, I thought. The one that was on vacation all last week read her entire speeh.... which was the cut and paste job from MY writing.
I am SO DAMN GLAD I AM FINISHED. I earned that damn certificate that is hung on my "meaningless pieces of paper" wall.

And my neck is better today, thankfully. Still incredibly stiff, but I do have some movement.

My "Seasons of the Witch" planner came in the mail yesterday and I was so excited. I have wanted  one of those for a few years. I was afraid it would be full of references to witch-school, of which I do not approve, but as I was perusing it, I only saw it mentioned once, at the beginning- in the intro. It is a beautiful planner and I am sure I will derive much enjoyment in the use of it  after the first of the year.
Thank you Amazon, for making it affordable!

Today is presentation day. And I managed to twist my neck yesterday somehow, so I am in a great deal of pain. Dreading this so much and will be so glad when it's over. Our  group is nowhere near prepared.

I hope my neck is better later, tomorrow, SOON, as I need to finish some sewing and beadwork and it's no fun to try to do that when every movement hurts.  

November, November, November... o how you make me miserable.

Brrr.... cold this morning. I am trying very hard to be conservative with the heat, but since it really isn't all that cold yet, I am a little concerned about January/February. If I keep the heater on low, it is still a little too chilly in the living room. The kitchen, dining room, and utility room are already too cold for comfort, since I blocked them off from heat. No fun to go in the kitchen to make coffee in the mornings. I have to bundle up like I am in the Arctic Circle. Poor Nicki... with her circulation problems, her fingers are blue in the evenings. I try to look at it as a "toughening up" process. There was no heat in the Treehouse and I lived there okay. But then again, I didn't have full blown arthritis then, either.

I have a couple of PIFs to finish up and get in the mail. I am trying to complete everything by end of November so I can relax and not worry about anything else. I am having fun with some ATCs right now and have a couple of teeny-tiny art dolls that I am really loving. My raggy lady has been put away for the time being, until I can finish these other things. Since the crafting table is in the utility room, I am going to have to put a heater in there. I tried to sit in there long enough to just paint a box top and I couldn't stand it. COLD!

I am so tired.

Happy birthday, David.... wherever you are.

Yesterday was just looooong. It took me over 2 hours to get to the neurologist appointment. Another surgery recommended. It can wait, as far as I am concerned.

I dread going back to work today.

It's cold.

I am out of creamer.

Okay... so today is a list of complaints.

When I got back from doctor, I went straight to bed. I was so exhausted.

No other news. I guess that's a good thing.

And again today, post is private. :)



Sometimes I can be so negative, it scares me. I do not want to turn into a bitter old hag, like my mother.

My entry today was made private, after I realized just how offensive it might be to some. It irks me... this is MY journal, after all.... but at the same time.... who needs hurt feelings and dramas? Clicky-click on private and be done.

So, this is just a place holder to show I made an entry today.

At the half-way mark!

I am about to head into town for some overtime. I really don't want to, but I need the money. They have promised us a Thanksgiving style dinner, which was a surprise. It's usually pizza or subway when they offer food. And food is not usually offered. Anyways, it will be a treat, since I probably won't have T'giving dinner.

I completely finished that damn report. I had to take myself out of the phones, but finally! finished. However... the graphs, charts, and Power Point STILL weren't finished. I explained to the supervisor in charge of getting it to the printers that I have been waiting on this stuff all week and left it with her to talk to the individual responsible for that. I am done with it. I am off Monday, so had to leave the proof with the other remaining group member and I do hope she paid attention when I explained what the tabs needed to be. We'll see.

It's cold and rainy here. I hate November.

( Honoring Your Ancestors Swap )

Friday! Finally! I don't know why, but it has been an incredibly long week. Next week, I go back to my  normal shift, so maybe I won't feel so off-kilter.

I am 75% finished with that damn report. So close.... so close. It WILL be complete by lunch time today, and sent off to the printers. Geez.  Meeting with the 2 members of the group that didn't go on vacation the week before a major presentation. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Less than a week, and it will be over. It's like a countdown.  And a total waste of time and my nerves.

I am off Monday, as I have a neurologist appointment Monday. Honestly, I expect to be referred to yet another doctor, as that seems to be the trend. It is at St. Thomas at 8:20, so should be a stressful morning. However.... I wanted to go to some places on the West End and rather than doing it this weekend, I will treat myself after the doctor visit. The Parthenon is closed on Mondays, unfortunately, but I can find something else to do.

I am groggy this morning. Ruby got loose again yesterday evening and Nicki and I spent 2 hours looking for her. Nothing. We finally had to give up and had decided to put up flyers in the morning. She showed up at the door around 1:30 AM, smelling like a sewer. Ugh. So Nicki bathed her at 1:30 in the morning... in the tub... and it is 6 hours later, and the smell is still in there. Nicki cleaned the bathroom, then took a shower.... not sure WHY the smell is lingering.  Anyway, I have to fix that spot in the fence, because I can't handle that kind of stuff. Every time I heard a car horn or sqeally tires (it was foggy), my heart jumped. Stupid dog.

Honestly... running out of things to say and my paper journal is suffering! 13 days down....17 to go.

Yesterday, managed to finally get some input from the other members of my project group and made inroads in formatting the document. Discussed our individual parts of the presentation... was steaming because the one person that has written one paragraph to my 10 pages took excepts from MY WRITING as her speech. I was flabbergasted when she sent the rough draft... cut and pasted from the things I put in the summary. Infuriated me.  This is why I detest group projects. A week from today and this project will officially end. My BP will probably drop 50 points at the end of that day. :) Hope so, anyway.

Marge was back from her trip... so I had a vent person, fortunately. Too cool, she brought me back a bag of WaWa coffee! Delicious and I am enjoying it very much this morning!

I really want to pack up and move......

I was trying to get pictures of the  pretty, orange (!), new aquarium fish... not a photographer and pics are not so great, but that's okay. It's really cool to watch them, as the formerly lonely tattooed molly  is schooling with the new orange fish.





While I was moving pictures from camera, found the one of YoYo, when he was embracing his cat side and curled up in a laundry basket.... I swear... so much like a cat, he is. Unfortunately, he was disturbed when I came into the room, so the full effect was lost. When I found him, her was curled up like a cat, with his tail over his nose. 
This picture irritates me.... you can see where the bureau was in Nicki's room and she let her cat scratch the sides up. Refinishing this is on my long list of projects that need to be done.



I hope today is a little smoother than yesterday. Really hope.

Ugh... what an ugly day. Welcome back, November. I am trying not to bitch and moan, as we had a simply gorgeous first week in November, but I really hate this weather.... cold, wet, gray, depressing. Arthritis is giving me hell.

"November Rain" by GnR is the longest song ever to make the Top 10. That song.... even after all these years, it can still make me choke up. What is is about bad-ass bad  rock stars and their amazing ballads? Love them, just love them.


Okay... a picture of Geneva, but this is exactly what November in Shelbyville looks like. Gray. Yes, I see some beauty... but the overriding feeling I have is sadness. Bleah.

I am thinking about a trip to the Parthenon this weekend. Nancy Hellebrand  has an exhibit in the East gallery: Earth, Air, and Water.
I would like to see it. No way I can afford her stuff, but for the $5 admission price, I can stare at them as long as I want. And if I make the trip, I can visit Magical Journey, Borders, Cafe Coco.... all my favorite places that I have not been to in a long time. Maybe.. MAYBE... weather and finances permitting, I can make a day of it.... treat myself to dinner at Rotiers or Tin Angel..... probably won't happen, but a girl can dream. I just need something to look forward to.

Veterans Day... Armistice Day

A day to think about all Veterans, but I wanted to refresh my memory about why Wilson signed Veterans Day into a National Holiday.

Major hostilities of World War I were formally ended at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918 with the German signing of the Armistice. The Armistice Treaty was a rushed affair, with the final signing in a railway carriage, of all places. No formality there... just.... let's get it done, dammit! It was unofficial for two days before the actual signing, but not everyone in the field was aware of this, of course.

Henry Gunther  (private, 313th-Baltimore)is usually recognized as the last soldier killed in action in WWI.





He was killed literally one minute before the armistice came into force while charging astonished German troops who were aware the Armistice was coming at any time. I can only imagine what those Germans thought, when he kept coming at them...... Gunther's commander (Powell) ordered him to stop advancing, and the Germans motioned him to go back (hello... what was Gunther thinking? Instead of shooting, they were motioning him back? There are eye-witness accounts of this)  but Gunther kept coming at him, so the Germans gunned him.

Congressional hearings galore after this ( ultimately, no one was found culpable for the deaths on Armistice Day.) These questions were given to all combat units:
" What time on the morning of November 11, 1918, were you notified of the signing of the armistice?
What orders were you and your command under with respect to operations against the enemy immediately before and up to the moment of such notification and after notification and up to 11 o’clock?
After receipt of such notification did your command or any part of it continue to fight?
If so, why and with what casualties?
Did your command or any part of it continue the fight after 11 o’clock?
If so, why and with what casualties?"

Some ugly things came to light with these questions, but I prefer (need) to think that some of the officers that moved up battles or kept advancing were just in a really horrible mindset... had seen too much... hated the enemy because of what they had seen.... didn't believe that the treaty would be signed.... and/or weren't thinking clearly. I hope that they were not trying for one last chance at glory and sacrificing lives for no reason......

The men who fell on November 11, 1918, lost their lives in a war that the Allies had already won!
They died for nothing, although I hope they died believing they were sacrificing their lives for a noble cause....


An Act approved May 13, 1938, made the 11th of November in each year a legal holiday - - a day to be dedicated to the cause of world peace and to be thereafter celebrated and known as "Armistice Day." Armistice Day was primarily a day set aside to honor veterans of World War I, but in 1954, after World War II had required the greatest mobilization of soldiers, sailors, Marines and airmen in the Nation’s history; after American forces had fought aggression in Korea, the 83rd Congress, at the urging of the veterans service organizations, amended the Act of 1938 by striking out the word "Armistice" and inserting in its place the word "Veterans." With the approval of this legislation on June 1, 1954, November 11th became a day to honor American veterans of all wars. (from Dept of Veterans Affairs)



There are areas around the interstate exits here that are planted with many, many, many poppies to commemorate our veterans. 

Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

I caved and bought heaters. It was so cold in here yesterday, it was hurting.... since it really hasn't even gotten really cold yet, it made me nervous. I tried turning the gas heater in the dining room an and two things happened: 1- the dining room was HOT while rest of t he house was still cold, which I expected.. and 2- I developed a raging headache. Nicki got up with a headache too. So, will have to call gas company... but really, I would prefer to not even have it in the house. If I could get the gas heater out, then the water tank, will be all set to put in central heat/air and a waterless tank water heater.

While I was in Lowe's getting the heaters, I visited the door that I want:

Along with the door, spent time mentally remodeling the kitchen and floors, of course.
In other words, wasted time, when I had a bazillion things to do.

I got the awful plastic sheeting over most of the windows and the aquarium cleaned, and those were the big projects, so can't really complain.

It's chilly this morning.... brrr.....went to Wal-Mart yesterday and stared at the heaters for a long time, but resisted buying.

I am really struggling with this report and feel doomed to failure. I am very unhappy with the other members of the project and have expressed to my supervisor. I dithered... my name is going on the report, so I don't want to do a shoddy job, but I am absolutely not writing the whole thing. So, I decided (with supvr support) to write my part and when I give the proof copy to the others, they will see that none of their stuff is in it. Still stressful... I honestly don't think they are going to give me anything.

I will be so damn glad when November is over. I hate November with an unholy passion.

I got a couple of things from my to-do list done, but not a lot. I was still feeling rough yesterday and went to bed at 7:30 or so. I feel better today, but all I want to do is bundle up and lie on the sofa.

Thoughts on Hestia~ The Forgotten Goddess
(Very rambling.....)

Hestia is the goddess of the sacredness of the ordinary... Our Lady of Everyday things. Her name means "the essence", which is perfect, I think.  I always think of Hestia as a center of the household, calm, collected, tolerant, and welcoming.  The Greek goddess equivalent to the Christian Martha?

She is the goddess of the deep inward center and helps to provide a balanced life through the endless repetition of daily household tasks. It's almost a zen-like philosophy, I think. Every time I wash dishes or feed my family, I am honoring Hestia. I am honoring her every morning when light my candle in the kitchen altar.  Every household task, every attempt at order and cleanliness, nurturing, and hospitality honors Hestia.

Hestia is the goddess of the hearth. Since most modern households do not rely on the hearth for sustenance and warmth, the kitchen is the modern day hearth. It seems like most parties end up in the kitchen. An unconscious desire to be near the hearth? It is the heart of the home. Since Hestia was not involved in any major conflicts and there aren't many stories about her, it's understandable that she is considered forgotten, especially in light of modern conveniences.

Ancient artwork does not show Hestia in human/goddess form very often. She is typically represented by flames or circles. The flame is fairly obvious, but I was thinking about circles... why? This is what I came up with: Circles are complete in themselves, whole, and perfect. They are a complete boundary with an open center to represent the centering of self.  Since Hestia's Greek name means "essence", a circle would be appropriate to depict this.


Hestia, in the high dwellings of all, both deathless gods and men who walk on earth, you have gained an everlasting abode and highest honor: glorious is your portion and your right. For without you mortals hold no banquet, where one does not duly pour sweet wine in offering to Hestia both first and last. --Homeric Hymn to Hestia

Correspondences:

 Hearth, home, living flame, architecture, bowl, veils, pantry, and keys

Animals: Donkey (due to the attempted rape by Priapus? donkeys are a symbol of lust), calf, and pigs
Plants: Olive Tree, Angel's trumpet, California poppy, goldenrod, hollyhock, purple coneflower, and yarrow
Perfumes / Scents: Angelica, iris, lavender, and peony
Colors: Gold, dark rose, lavender, silver, and black
Gems and Metals: Amethyst, garnet, gold, silver, and brass

 
It's Autumn and thoughts of warmth and home are filling my head.